I bought a book yesterday. The Spiritual Man, by Watchman Nee (translated into English from Chinese).
1. It's more than 200 pages long, the cover looks like it was "designed" in MS Wordpad, and it only cost $10, which is pennies compared to other books these days. I picked up a little book by George Barna and it was something like 17 or 18. And of course these contemporary christian authors cost so much - they're all wrapped up in fancy graphic design and snazzy colored paper and special fonts. Because that's the only way to get a person in my age group to give a book about God a second glance. ARG! I could go on and on, of course...
2. One of the things that made me pick this book up was the title. The Spiritual MAN. Good luck titling a book that in this day and age! But I love it.
3. I've only read 12 pages, so I can't give too complete of an opinion, but I think it's going to be really really good. Already he's talking about things like the danger of self-analysis and the importance of the spiritual disciplines. And I like how boldly he says that the things in the book are TRUE, and the reader needs to PAY ATTENTION. Aw yeah.
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Trott family went over to the Hinds tonight to have dinner. It was fun and delicious. Tom lent me a book called Mastering Business in Korea. I don't know if all of it will apply to my situation, but I'm sure some of it will.
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Life has been pretty satisfying for the past week. After my birthday my social calendar filled up, and I've been seeing a lot of people I'll miss after I leave. On Wednesday Luke and I did some drawing at his studio (that he shares with some prolific web comic artists) and then went to the Hungry Tiger to get $1 vegan corn dogs and PBRs. Our dogs came so late the guy working in the kitchen comped us a thing of fries and two more beers! I got hysterical when Luke reminded me of something that happened to us on the train between Spokane and Portland, and when I smacked the table, my Pabst dumped all over the floor. Providential, since I was driving.
Spending time in Portland like that makes me hate to leave for a year - but on the other hand I've realized that PDX's main draws are the cool people that live there, and the cool places to go with the people who live there. And maybe that's more than enough for a lot of people, but I'm finally getting to the point where I know I need to be somewhere where my life is more than that. And maybe at the end of the day it can still be Portland. But maybe not. Maybe I'll end up in Oklahoma or New Hampshire or Chicago again...
Rainy season has begun. Tonight it's really brutal out. I like it, in so many ways - but I hope it clears up before tomorrow. I've got a lot of public transportation to ride, and being cold/wet will just be adding insult to injury.
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I am trying to drag this entry out, but it's not really working. Am I getting less and less imaginative as time goes on? I used to blog every day. I could write an entry about any small thing that happened.
C'est la vie. I guess it's time to go to bed. I can sleep easy knowing that the Blazies had a sweet victory this eve!
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Message From God
My brother (James) sent me a demo of his band's most recent song to review, and it really blew me away. His band (Restar) has produced about 8 songs now, and all of them have been electronica. This song, called Special Delivery, is (at least in the demo) acoustic without a lot of bells and whistles. And since it's in a lower key, James' trademark strain to reach the high notes is completely absent. It sounds amazing, is what I'm trying to get at. James was inspired to write it by a situation in which one of his friends was informed by his fiancee that God told her not to marry him (but she still wants to date him!!?). The fact that it was a "message from God" and not a decision on her part was what the friend (and my brother) found most frustrating.
Here's my favorite lyric:
Destruction leaves its trail
A thousand hearts long
Judge, Jury, and Jail
A message from God
It's a really good point that isn't spoken about very often in Christian circles: when people start using the "message from God" line, especially in cases where it will effect more than just the person receiving the message, it ranges from slightly uncomfortable to downright disturbing. People do all sorts of terrible things motivated by such messages, I don't feel like I even need to name any.
Maybe it's semantics (it always is), but it seems like there is always a better and more personal way to explain one's decisions - whether they're based on an actual message from God, an article in Woman's Day, or a daydream (and there you have the three tiers of reliability). "A message from God" doesn't leave any room for discussion or opinion, which is poison to a relationship. In that way it's manipulative; a power play! JERK!
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On that kind note, here's the other big news of the eve: I took [a free, online rendition of] the Meyers Briggs Personality Test for the first time since late high school, and got an interesting result. 6 years ago (UGH) when I was 18 (UUUGGGHHHH!!!) I was an INTJ - Introvert, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judging - "The Mastermind". I remember being so proud of that label (obviously), especially the Thinking and Judging parts. In a lot of ways it just confirmed what I always knew: I was way better than everyone else (the mindset that got me those results in the first place?).
So tonight I took it once and got a different result. Thinking it was a fluke, I took it on another site and got the same different result: INFP. Still introverted and intuitive, but now instead of thinking and judging, I got feeling and perceiving. Granted it was only by a few points in each case (for example on the second test I took I had 52% perceiving and 48% judging), but I was sort of surprised. First in a bad way, because being "the healer" is a lot lamer than being "the mastermind". But then I had a distinct feeling of progress - towards being more mature in a Christlike way (even if only by 4%) , more loving, a milder human being in general... I don't know. Those tests are ridiculous and only encourage my favorite psychological phenomena, the self-fulfilling prophesy (or in this case, the self-fulfilling personality). But I had to wonder if there wasn't a small something there. I know I'm a less abrasive and opinionated person now than I was in high school and it was nice to get the confirmation.
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The Blazers are nothing without Batum and it SHOWS.
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I'm listening to Promise Ring's 2002 album and I'm reading a practically brand-new copy of a graphic novel about New Orleans, post Katrina. That's right, I went to the library again.
I also got Sam Harris' Letter To A Christian Nation. These New Atheists have got me completely charmed. They write, How ugly religion is! I say, And how mysteriously elusive to these poor, intelligent people is our Lord!
I almost changed "our" to "my", but then intentionally didn't.
Here's my favorite lyric:
Destruction leaves its trail
A thousand hearts long
Judge, Jury, and Jail
A message from God
It's a really good point that isn't spoken about very often in Christian circles: when people start using the "message from God" line, especially in cases where it will effect more than just the person receiving the message, it ranges from slightly uncomfortable to downright disturbing. People do all sorts of terrible things motivated by such messages, I don't feel like I even need to name any.
Maybe it's semantics (it always is), but it seems like there is always a better and more personal way to explain one's decisions - whether they're based on an actual message from God, an article in Woman's Day, or a daydream (and there you have the three tiers of reliability). "A message from God" doesn't leave any room for discussion or opinion, which is poison to a relationship. In that way it's manipulative; a power play! JERK!
------
On that kind note, here's the other big news of the eve: I took [a free, online rendition of] the Meyers Briggs Personality Test for the first time since late high school, and got an interesting result. 6 years ago (UGH) when I was 18 (UUUGGGHHHH!!!) I was an INTJ - Introvert, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judging - "The Mastermind". I remember being so proud of that label (obviously), especially the Thinking and Judging parts. In a lot of ways it just confirmed what I always knew: I was way better than everyone else (the mindset that got me those results in the first place?).
So tonight I took it once and got a different result. Thinking it was a fluke, I took it on another site and got the same different result: INFP. Still introverted and intuitive, but now instead of thinking and judging, I got feeling and perceiving. Granted it was only by a few points in each case (for example on the second test I took I had 52% perceiving and 48% judging), but I was sort of surprised. First in a bad way, because being "the healer" is a lot lamer than being "the mastermind". But then I had a distinct feeling of progress - towards being more mature in a Christlike way (even if only by 4%) , more loving, a milder human being in general... I don't know. Those tests are ridiculous and only encourage my favorite psychological phenomena, the self-fulfilling prophesy (or in this case, the self-fulfilling personality). But I had to wonder if there wasn't a small something there. I know I'm a less abrasive and opinionated person now than I was in high school and it was nice to get the confirmation.
------
The Blazers are nothing without Batum and it SHOWS.
------
I'm listening to Promise Ring's 2002 album and I'm reading a practically brand-new copy of a graphic novel about New Orleans, post Katrina. That's right, I went to the library again.
I also got Sam Harris' Letter To A Christian Nation. These New Atheists have got me completely charmed. They write, How ugly religion is! I say, And how mysteriously elusive to these poor, intelligent people is our Lord!
I almost changed "our" to "my", but then intentionally didn't.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
I've Become 24
Yesterday was my birthday. I turned into a 24-year-old. I thought I would be angry and scared to age, but when it happened I felt fine. I had a great birthday! My folks took me&co. out for dinner (and the Blazer game was playing at the restaurant), and then Mabe gave me a very excellent gift, which is a plastic coin bank shaped into the most perfect pug wearing a purple bandana. James gave me a Testicle Festival t-shirt. Oh yes.
Later in the eve I went to the Artistery to see Luke perform in a Fleetwood Mac cover band dressed as Lindsey Buckingham. Then I met up with Sage at a house party, where I had a watermelon lollipop. Joel met us there, and then he and I left to try to get into Holocene's 90's dance party. When we got there it was too late and they weren't letting anyone else in. So I went back to the artistery, and by the time I picked James up, I was ready for bed in a big way. It was a really fun night, I only ever drank half a Sparks (so no nausea/car wrecks/hangover), I loved being able to see all the people I did in just one night - but I never really got 100% into the party mindset. James said he felt the same, and while he postulated that it had something to do with growing up, I decided it was because I hadn't had any coffee all day. Seems pretty obvious.
------
From my vantage point, November looks like a great white desert of nothing that I have to cross to get to Korea & The Rest Of My Life. That's how I know it's going to be a crazy month and a ton of important things are going to happen.
But until they do, all can see is the frantic last two weeks of October ending suddenly with an age change. And then today I did almost nothing except go to the Library and read for 6 hours.
------
What I checked out from the Library today:
1. Seeing, by Jose Saramago. Actually, I just renewed this one. I'm about 75% through. It's the sequel to JS's book Blindness, which I read a week ago. Very interesting and well written novels. I find it funny that they go together because they are very different. Both have dystopian themes, but where Blindness is apocalyptic, Seeing is political.
2. Was Superman A Spy? by Brian Cronin. "Fascinating and often bizarre true stories behind more than 130 urban legends about comic book culture." I mainly read books like this so I can talk about them and get all the cutefat nerds to fall for me (and you should see them).
3. The World's Last Night (and other essays) by C.S. Lewz (Lewis). I have a really terrible allergy to things that are popular, but I can usually tolerate the more obscure titles by well-known authors if I take a benadryl. Ha ha! I am awful, and that is only 50% true (also applies to #2 on this list).
4. Tattoo Machine by Jeff Johnson. JJ co-manages Sea Tramp Tattoo, the oldest tattoo joint in Portland and coincidentally (because I had no idea at the time) the very place I got mine (did I mention I have literally the best tattoo). I read this book in its entirety this afternoon, and it really got me thinking, especially in combination with my other reading: the first half of...
5. ...God Is Not Great by Christopher "God Is Not Great" Hitchens. I do admire the new atheists, because they seem like total badasses. Also, I can totally relate to their beefs with religion. I mean, I had to nod my head several times while I was reading. It puts me (and I imagine many other intelligent lovers of Jesus) in a weird place. I am trying to quickly think of a good analogy, but since what I'm trying to analogize isn't even that clear, I'm... failing. Anyway. This is not a case of trying to gather the enemy's secrets or anything like that. I want to understand what CH is all about. So far, I like what I see. He hates ignorance, he hates lies, he hates closed minds, he hates false motives and human suffering. There are probably a lot of Christians who wish they could give CH a piece of their minds, but I really don't know what I would say to him given the chance. If given, I guess I would just open my mouth a little and see if any of the Holy Spirit wanted to come out.
But back to Tattoo Machine. JJ tells a lot of stories about drugs and sex. He talks about his really really rough childhood and his alcohol abuse. He also talks about the great learning experiences he's had, the unlikely heroes of his life who have taught him everything he knows and occasionally taken him under their wings when necessary. He talks about falling in love with tattooing, and falling in love with his wife. It reminded me of all the conversations I've had with Joel about his almost parallel experiences.
But what stands out the most to me in the case of JJ and Joel is that they don't even want what most would consider "a perfect life". They don't want to go back in time and finish high school and get a good GPA and go to college and get a "real" job and have straight-laced friends. I think part of this is human pride. To admit that ones background was lacking is to admit that ones present self is lacking as well. This is where it starts to get hard for me to explain. First, what I just called "human pride" is actually the subconscious knowledge that we are worth something, and that our experiences are worth something, no matter what. And who we and they are worth something to is God.
I think that's how people can appreciate such a wide variety of experiences. And I feel like it sheds a little more light on Jesus' motive for hanging out with the riff raff...
And how would he interact with the riff raff of today? Because he obviously would - I just want to know what it would look like, since that's how I want to interact with them. Currently I am quite bad at it. I remember once I was having a conversation with Joel about some part in his past, and I don't remember what it was, or what I said, but it made him say something like "you make it sound like I had a worthless childhood" and I realized how hurtful my words had been. Those are his precious memories. They make up the only story he's got. It has to be worth something, and important.
Hmmm... I think some of those things I've said are the wrong things. Maybe. I don't know.
------
My friend JP wrote in her blog today about how she's been feeling lately like she's back in Spokane, c. the year she lived off campus (in a house where I also happened to live). I was amazed to read that because I have been feeling the exact same thing. I feel like I'm back in that house, like I'm part of a really cool club on some days and like I live in a house with 6 ghosts on others. Something about fall and winter takes me back there. I wish I know why, and what it means.
But it hasn't been altogether unpleasant. Spokane is a good memory for me, now. Like an indie movie that ends hopefully instead of happily and makes you feel fresh instead of full.
Recently I've been seeing myself very specifically as a protagonist. And a great protagonist in the best story, at that. Maybe carrying such a huge ego is what's been making me so tired. Actually, I hope everyone can feel this way sometimes. I feel like the victim of elaborate character development. My physical environment, combined with my rich inner processes, seems oh, so colorful and dramatic. My flaws seem necessary to keep me believable. The soundtrack (oh, now it's been made into a movie!) fits perfectly. The awful things that happen and the huge blunders that I make only endear me to the fans. But most importantly, everyone wants to know what will happen, and everyone wants me to come out on top (and knows, ultimately, without a doubt, that I will).
Ha ha!
xoxo,
Later in the eve I went to the Artistery to see Luke perform in a Fleetwood Mac cover band dressed as Lindsey Buckingham. Then I met up with Sage at a house party, where I had a watermelon lollipop. Joel met us there, and then he and I left to try to get into Holocene's 90's dance party. When we got there it was too late and they weren't letting anyone else in. So I went back to the artistery, and by the time I picked James up, I was ready for bed in a big way. It was a really fun night, I only ever drank half a Sparks (so no nausea/car wrecks/hangover), I loved being able to see all the people I did in just one night - but I never really got 100% into the party mindset. James said he felt the same, and while he postulated that it had something to do with growing up, I decided it was because I hadn't had any coffee all day. Seems pretty obvious.
------
From my vantage point, November looks like a great white desert of nothing that I have to cross to get to Korea & The Rest Of My Life. That's how I know it's going to be a crazy month and a ton of important things are going to happen.
But until they do, all can see is the frantic last two weeks of October ending suddenly with an age change. And then today I did almost nothing except go to the Library and read for 6 hours.
------
What I checked out from the Library today:
1. Seeing, by Jose Saramago. Actually, I just renewed this one. I'm about 75% through. It's the sequel to JS's book Blindness, which I read a week ago. Very interesting and well written novels. I find it funny that they go together because they are very different. Both have dystopian themes, but where Blindness is apocalyptic, Seeing is political.
2. Was Superman A Spy? by Brian Cronin. "Fascinating and often bizarre true stories behind more than 130 urban legends about comic book culture." I mainly read books like this so I can talk about them and get all the cutefat nerds to fall for me (and you should see them).
3. The World's Last Night (and other essays) by C.S. Lewz (Lewis). I have a really terrible allergy to things that are popular, but I can usually tolerate the more obscure titles by well-known authors if I take a benadryl. Ha ha! I am awful, and that is only 50% true (also applies to #2 on this list).
4. Tattoo Machine by Jeff Johnson. JJ co-manages Sea Tramp Tattoo, the oldest tattoo joint in Portland and coincidentally (because I had no idea at the time) the very place I got mine (did I mention I have literally the best tattoo). I read this book in its entirety this afternoon, and it really got me thinking, especially in combination with my other reading: the first half of...
5. ...God Is Not Great by Christopher "God Is Not Great" Hitchens. I do admire the new atheists, because they seem like total badasses. Also, I can totally relate to their beefs with religion. I mean, I had to nod my head several times while I was reading. It puts me (and I imagine many other intelligent lovers of Jesus) in a weird place. I am trying to quickly think of a good analogy, but since what I'm trying to analogize isn't even that clear, I'm... failing. Anyway. This is not a case of trying to gather the enemy's secrets or anything like that. I want to understand what CH is all about. So far, I like what I see. He hates ignorance, he hates lies, he hates closed minds, he hates false motives and human suffering. There are probably a lot of Christians who wish they could give CH a piece of their minds, but I really don't know what I would say to him given the chance. If given, I guess I would just open my mouth a little and see if any of the Holy Spirit wanted to come out.
But back to Tattoo Machine. JJ tells a lot of stories about drugs and sex. He talks about his really really rough childhood and his alcohol abuse. He also talks about the great learning experiences he's had, the unlikely heroes of his life who have taught him everything he knows and occasionally taken him under their wings when necessary. He talks about falling in love with tattooing, and falling in love with his wife. It reminded me of all the conversations I've had with Joel about his almost parallel experiences.
But what stands out the most to me in the case of JJ and Joel is that they don't even want what most would consider "a perfect life". They don't want to go back in time and finish high school and get a good GPA and go to college and get a "real" job and have straight-laced friends. I think part of this is human pride. To admit that ones background was lacking is to admit that ones present self is lacking as well. This is where it starts to get hard for me to explain. First, what I just called "human pride" is actually the subconscious knowledge that we are worth something, and that our experiences are worth something, no matter what. And who we and they are worth something to is God.
I think that's how people can appreciate such a wide variety of experiences. And I feel like it sheds a little more light on Jesus' motive for hanging out with the riff raff...
And how would he interact with the riff raff of today? Because he obviously would - I just want to know what it would look like, since that's how I want to interact with them. Currently I am quite bad at it. I remember once I was having a conversation with Joel about some part in his past, and I don't remember what it was, or what I said, but it made him say something like "you make it sound like I had a worthless childhood" and I realized how hurtful my words had been. Those are his precious memories. They make up the only story he's got. It has to be worth something, and important.
Hmmm... I think some of those things I've said are the wrong things. Maybe. I don't know.
------
My friend JP wrote in her blog today about how she's been feeling lately like she's back in Spokane, c. the year she lived off campus (in a house where I also happened to live). I was amazed to read that because I have been feeling the exact same thing. I feel like I'm back in that house, like I'm part of a really cool club on some days and like I live in a house with 6 ghosts on others. Something about fall and winter takes me back there. I wish I know why, and what it means.
But it hasn't been altogether unpleasant. Spokane is a good memory for me, now. Like an indie movie that ends hopefully instead of happily and makes you feel fresh instead of full.
Recently I've been seeing myself very specifically as a protagonist. And a great protagonist in the best story, at that. Maybe carrying such a huge ego is what's been making me so tired. Actually, I hope everyone can feel this way sometimes. I feel like the victim of elaborate character development. My physical environment, combined with my rich inner processes, seems oh, so colorful and dramatic. My flaws seem necessary to keep me believable. The soundtrack (oh, now it's been made into a movie!) fits perfectly. The awful things that happen and the huge blunders that I make only endear me to the fans. But most importantly, everyone wants to know what will happen, and everyone wants me to come out on top (and knows, ultimately, without a doubt, that I will).
Ha ha!
xoxo,
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