Educated Virgin ಠ_ಠ

I [heart] Willie Nelson

2012-01-29T17:25:00.001-08:00

Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...

2012-01-28T08:14:00.002-08:00

...ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooklahoma -

I guess I've been suffering from "boyfriend > blog" syndrome lately. O'something.

Currently, I am sitting in Cuppies and Joe, the cupcake-/coffeehouse where Lauren works in Oklahoma City.

Oklahoma City! Ha ha! It's good to be here. Highlights have been "$1 Jewelry Galore" and "Toby Keith's I [heart] This Bar & Grill"... I regret, re: the latter, not buying the "I [lips] Toby Keith" t-shirt from the gift shop for Paul.

Another highlight was finding another Jams World dress at the Value Village in Midwest City. It's the same style as the one I found in Coos Bay, but in more muted colors. Yeah girl.

I have front row seats to a family of pre-teens. Plus the mom.

Kid: mom, can I borrow your phone to play tetris?
Mom: no, you cost me nine bucks a month to play tetris, dear.
Kid: NINE. BUCKS?!?!?!
Mom: yes.
Kid: oh, I thought you said "nine bucks"!!
[I missed what the mom said after, because I was typing this]
Kid: [starts punching couch] Nooooooooo I haaaaate Sundays!

I [heart] OKC.

(I [lips] Jenny Applegate)

(ha ha ha ha ha)

Yes, My Sweet Beautiful Girl, Yes

2012-01-12T02:00:00.000-08:00

Is life too busy for blogs? Bvvv!

I've been working in PPS - two days so far this month, hopefully again on Friday. Yesterday I worked for the first time in a high school, which I was nervous about (Paul signed me up for it while I was at work - I don't know if I'd have been brave enough to do it for myself (I can barely get the 6-year-olds into the control holds!!). It turned out to be maybe my favorite para experience to date! Even though I'd worked ~17 hours the day before and was exhausted. The class I was working with was a real mixed bag, development wise. Also, the main teacher was also being subbed for by a hilarious older dude who seemed sort of "confused" in general. Field notes:

- We watched a silly educational cartoon about MLK jr., starring what appeared to be the "Burger King Kids Club" cast, which had me hysterical by the end due to a ridiculous montage.

- One of the students got fixated on the "racism" scenes in the MLK cartoon, where white shop-keepers etc. shouted things like "white only!" and "get outta here!" and "stay out!". For the rest of the day he kept looking out the window and saying those things to himself. Especially "white only!" Strong language for a chubby black kid!

- I was sitting in the front keeping an eye on everyone when the teacher's sub started playing a simple matching game with one of the students. A couple of minutes passed before I realized he was actually trying to beat her at the game!! HA HA!!!! (Later that student yanked the back of my hair. Even later, she threw herself down on the floor in the middle of the hallway on the way back from "recess".)

- One kid had to stop watching Green Day on youtube because he was getting "too excited".

- One kid kept telling one of the other paras that he loved him. The para always responded "you behave today!" I'm going to use that one from now on.

- I played "Sequence for Kids" with one student. Four chips in a row wins the game. At the end of the game I had 6 chips in a row, three times. His chips were scattered about randomly on the board. He neither noticed that I had won, nor attempted to win himself. I think he was playing the game with a different set of criteria. (??)

- One girl in the class was taller than me and had bright pink hair pulled up into a ponytail that fell down over her eyes. It was so cool. I talked to her a bit and to be honest she seemed totally fine. A little simple-minded, but fine. I had a really overwhelming urge to "take her under my wing". She seemed so cool and creative and honest and sweet...

- Working in the high school was awesome. Lez du it again sumtime.

-------

Other things:

- My relationship with Paul continues. Seems too good to be true, actually. I can only really process the way he treats me if I think of it as a joke or hoax.

- A conspiracy-theorist style hobo came into Celerymart the other day and got some photos printed. They were so amazing... they looked like fine art to me. With his permission I had Andrew print copies for me as well! OH MY GOODNESS.

- Tomorrow I'm going to go with Alex to see a play of The Phantom Tollbooth. Should be... so good...

- Oh Lord, I love you so much. The more good things you give to me, the more I realize how little I deserve. Thank you for everything, please help me to give it all back to you in some way.

"Woah!!" is me.

2012-01-05T03:41:00.000-08:00

Number one thing I have realized, in the ~3 weeks of my relationship with Paul:

I am such, SUCH a depraved human being.

i.e. selfish

i.e. emotionally manipulative

i.e. unkind

i.e. cruelly judgmental

i.e. generally pathetic

i.e. disastrously disorganized

i.e. lazy

&c.

I want to be so much better... help me Lord...

2011 Swan Song

2011-12-24T00:12:00.003-08:00

Christmas Eve Eve... I don't think it's too early for the year in review. I was gonna wrap prez but I have no tape. No string, even.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
One thing is that I went out dancing all by myself. Another is that I kissed someone on the mouth who is older than 30. Ha ha ha ha ha.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't remember making any resolutions... maybe something about loving other people more. I think I've had several jobs this year that have helped me realize that goal. I also drank less Diet Pepsi this year than maybe... ever. I don't know if that I was a NYR or not.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
People who have been close to me gave birth. I think...?

4. Did anyone close to you die?
The neighbor who lived across the street from our family in Hillsboro for my entire childhood. Hmm.

5. What countries did you visit?
I was still in Korea at the beginning of the year, and then I came back to the USA. Thay's all.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
A plan. Ha ha ha!

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

The date of the date that Paul took me on, under the bridge at 4:30 in the AM. Why? Because it was the best!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
One day I got #1 in "Suggestive Sales". HA HA HA... aaah...

9. What was your biggest failure?
I want to say Nanowrimo, again. But also... I failed several times to trust God/be faithful to him in ways that I generally struggle with.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Not too much of either. There was one 24-hour-ish flu, and then there was the time I barved at work. Way back in February when I came home from Korea I had a gnarly full-body stress rash. But it just looked sick. I didn't feel sick.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I didn't buy it, but the best thing I acquired this year was the KTS Spirit of Hillsboro. No doubt about that.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Alex. Everything she says is my favorite thing, and she's going to college! So awesome! Also Joel... for being a good friend, driving me home that one night, making insane music, getting a sweet job, etc. etc. etc.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Never going to actually answer this one explicitly.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent... utils... the Goodwill... Power Bars...

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Nanowrimo, "the doxology", taking communion, Jesus, cool weather, going to the Hinds' house, etc.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Probably something real lame like "Undivided" by Blush (ft. Snoop Dogg). Ha ha ha ha... dang.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Definitely happier. Last year at this time I was champing at the bit to gteo (I hope Neal sees this) of Seoul. I'm pretty content where I am now. Stoked. Happy. Etc.
ii. thinner or fatter? Exactly the same. I mean... literally. Exactly.
iii. richer or poorer? Also the same, I think. Sort of poorer, in a few ways... but also richer in others.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writing, making art.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
DICKING AROUND ON THE INTERNET.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
W/ F2's cru in the boro.

22. Did you fall in love in 2011?
No, no.

23. Did your heart break in 2010?
You mean, like a storm? Then yes.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Jersey Shore.

25. Where were you when 2011 began?
Walking the Cheonggyecheon. My favorite place in Seoul.

26. Who were you with?
No-body!

27. Where will you be when 2011 ends?
TBA

28. Who will you be with when 2010 ends?
Hopefully getting a kiss... ...from Floyd II (or Jenny Applegate). HA HA.

29. What was the best book you read?
In Watermelon Sugar by Richard Brautigan. Changed my life. Put me on a reading path that has been blowing my mind for the last 9 months.

30. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I didn't really discover any music this year. I mean, there was probably something. TVXQ? Ha ha ha.

31. What did you want and get?
Honestly? Almost everything. A place to live, a church to go to, a job (jobs)...

32. What did you want and not get?
For God to tell me exactly what to do, every second. And then force me to do it. Ha ha!

33. What was your favorite film of this year?

As far as movies that came out this year go... I don't know. I think the only one I saw was Cowboys and Aliens. Oh, and I saw Contagion. And... that one w/ Seth Rogen and the other guy, about cancer. So, I don't know. Nothing great. The best movie I watched for the first time this year was either Singles or Wristcutters. The undisputed worst movie of the year was Bridesmaids. I can't believe how many people recommended it to me! I couldn't actually watch all of it. Bvvvv!!

34. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 26. DANG. I ate sushi with the folks, and then went to Corvallis where James and I dressed as the Grady twins from The Shining (I made our costumes!). James' band played a show at a house party. It was fun.

35. How many different states did you travel to in 2010?
Wow, none. I stayed right here.

36. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
"Lovely woman" or maybe "lovely playtime hobo-woman". "Lady Boatfear".

37. What kept you sane?
Apparently nothing. ...just kidding. It was Jesus.

38. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Paul Giamatti. Why would this ever change?

39. What political issue stirred you the most?
Occupy Coos Bay.

40. How many concerts did you see in 2010?
~10?

41. Did you have a favorite concert in 2010?
WEIRD FEAR! All three of their shows that I went to were so sick!

42. Who was the best new person you met?
Can't be narrowed to one. New jobs, new church, etc.... there are too many to name.

43. Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
Yes. Bvv. Tons.

44. What was your most embarrassing moment of 2011?
This is always a hard one to answer because I tend to forget the embarrassing things that happen to me. Maybe it was when I got the apple flavored sake-tini at the sushi restaurant with Jenny Applegate. Ha ha ha ha. OR maybe the time I left a page-long written-out rant in the break room at Celerymart and Mr. O brought it to me and said "did you want this?". Aaaahhh...!

45. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
You can't drive around at night without your lights on.

46. What are your plans for 2012?

Overwhelming. That's what they are! Something like...

- Figure out what to do.

- Do it.

- Dick around less on the internet.

- Leave my hair alone.

- Go around with Paul and see things and do things.

- Clean my room. DANG.
- Paint.
- Write.
- WIN Nanowrimo!!!

47. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

(왜?) 날 그렇게 쉽게 떠났니
(왜?) 내가 쉬워 보였던 거니
(왜?) 내 가슴은 찢어지잖아
(왜?) 모두 한 순간의 꿈이었다면
(왜?) 바로잡을 시간이 있었다면
(왜?) 제발 네가 행복하길 바랬다

Everywhere we gooooo...

2011-12-22T13:56:00.000-08:00

This is unbelievable -

In an email I sent an old professor:

Wow, it made my day to get an email from my favorite art professor. Ha ha ha.

In his response, yesterday:

Thanks for the reply. What do you mean, "ha ha ha"?

In a text I sent to SOMEONE ELSE, TOTALLY SEPARATELY:

I'm stunned by you. ha ha.

Their response, also yesterday:

Thanks for that, except no "ha ha".

I'm being universally called on the carpet for being unable to sincerely express verbal affection. Is that it?

------

This week has been really, really good. Also crazy. Yesterday Andrew wrote two haikus for me (with his left hand - I turned him on to that!) while I went on my breaks. The first one I won't publish to the internet for a variety of reasons. The second one is harmless enough, though:

I don't want to ring
No more breaks for you now Kait
Cotton candy hair

HA HA HA! Isn't that actually kind of good? I like it.

Another good thing at work yesterday was when I was like "hey, Andrew!" and then accidentally dropped a cheap plastic snow-globe on the ground just as he looked over. It exploded like a water balloon.

------

Lately I am thankful to God for just, the people that he's put in my life. The first ones, the old ones, the medium-old ones, the recent ones, and the brand new one. Hmmm. Hooray!

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Christmas is coming?

Roquette Squad

2011-12-18T12:54:00.002-08:00

No Celerymart this eve. Schedules are weird because of the holiday. It was a good feeling to get out of church and not feel like I had something else immediately coming up. We had a little potluck after the service and James and I got to talk to some folk. Niceuh.

The sermon was about Christ as "life". Our life is love because our life is the power of God, which is love. The manifestation of Christ, and of "life", is love. And I guess... how that looks is... proclaiming the gospel of love. And healing others (which hails back to the sermon a couple weeks ago about the importance of alleviating sin's effects on others' lives - the work of Jesus). And then Pat also used the word "restoration", which made me think about how in order to restore something you have to first recognize the potential of the person or thing, which can be difficult. I could use some restoration. For sure.

Another part I liked from the sermon was when he quoted some C.S. Lewz, and there was a little part about seeing other people as other selves. Another person is experiencing their self (most of the time) as keenly and as "only" as I am experiencing mine. It's hard to imagine but I feel like "putting it that way" might make it seem more important to be sympathetic and compassionate. I like the word "self".

I continue to read about Scientology, and it's interesting to compare the personality of L. Ron Hubbard with that of Joseph Smith (re Mormonism). They seem so similar. "Confidence men". It's very interesting. Why do "modern" religions strike me as more "evil" than "ancient" ones? Maybe it's only the temporal proximity.

Later this eve I will spend some time with JP. That will be good.

Right now... I might go for a walk. Or I might read. Or sleep.

Oh man,

From OSC, tomorrow's MUFHH:

...Jesus Christ came to send a sword through every peace that is not based on a personal relationship to Himself.

Tender are the Hunters

2011-12-17T08:22:00.005-08:00

"Great is our Lord, and mighty in power; his understanding is infinite." How certainly all might and wisdom is Thine, and how certainly by Thy grace I am eager for Thee to have Thy way through me.

Just as a reminder, everyone - Jesus loves you.
& me too, I do too.
(Just, not as well?)

And... or... but... and...

2011-12-16T01:59:00.000-08:00

Someone I haven't seen in a while... and I'll see them this weekend... and the customer with the hair and the St. Vitus tattoo... and the movie Mr. O gave me to watch that I watched... and what would keep someone from texting back... and the joke Ricky played on me... and the gun fear I had for no reason... and the other PMS symptoms... and the ride I didn't give but maybe should have... and just because you can you should... or not... The Triffids...

----

1. I'm reading a book about Scientology.
2. I'm listening to the song "Tender is the Night" by Jackson Browne.
3. I want to paint something soon. Make a painting. We'll see about it. See about the urge.
4. I wish I lived alone. In a cave, even. Or I wish at least that Jon and James didn't have their computers (aka "base camp") right outside my room. I feel like Giles Corey. Psychologically. Socially? Psychosocially?

----

Pho Restaurant names I thought of today while eating leftovers:

- Friend or Pho
- Phogeddaboudit (HA HA HAH AHAHA)

Breakfast, Rebreakfast

2011-12-15T11:44:00.002-08:00

This morning I had two breakfasts.

First I met with a group of girls from church who get together every week early in the morning to have breakfast and share prayer requests. It was so, so nice, and when I left I felt kind of like... how it feels after you exercise or eat a healthy meal after not doing that for a long time. It felt really healthy and I felt inspired and energetic and full of life. Dang - that's why it's important to have a social life (I don't want to use the word "community" because somehow it's a pet peeve of mine, ha ha). I am really thankful to God and those girls for letting me be a part of that this morning. So great! Even though I woke up an hour late (because Jon, who had borrowed my alarm clock, changed it to the real time (I'm used to it being an hour fast)) and didn't have time to shower or anything. Mmmmm.

Then I had a second breakfast with Lindsay, who was in town because she had a math final. I guess she's not coming up for Christmas, so this was probably the last time I'll see her until 2012. We ate at the Tin Shed on Alberta and talked etc. etc. blah blah, it was lovely. I'm happy that she's still in my life. So happy. We talked a lot about what we want to "do" with our "lives". How the "clock" is "ticking". We be grownups now.

Now I am home, feeling sort of sick from all the coffee I drank at breakfast #1. Bvvvv...

Yesterday someone extremely kind brought me some lunch at work. I am learning that... I am really bad at showing gratitude and appreciation. What's wrong with me?

So many things. Ha ha!

Seems like God loves me so much, though.

Man, what a good life.

------

One thing I like about Christmas time is that more people more often have glitter on their face accidentally. Like, they touch a wreath and then they touch their nose or cheek. Or it just flies up onto them when they open a Christmas card. Who knows how it happens. It's just all over everyone, it seems.

------

I found out that there are no "Majors" in the navy. But... "Lieutenant Commander Boatfear" doesn't have the same ring to it at all. I don't know what to do. Maybe he's a marine? I hope so.

------

Is glitter a carcinogen? Dang.

Read it Twice

2011-12-12T00:16:00.001-08:00

I am listening to the Jethro Tull Christmas album. It's v. good.

Reminder: play Mannheim Steamroller CDs in the car tomorrow.

Is it still Sunday? Sundays always seem to go on forever... or at least for two or three days' worth of time. This morning at church I felt very happy and encouraged. Some of the girls invited me to come to breakfast with them later this week. It's nice to feel like I am making some friends. Ha ha.

We sang "Good Christian Men Rejoice" and I felt rejoyed.

I have been taking my sermon notes with my left hand. My left-writing doesn't seem to be improving but I can go much faster. Looking at the notes now... well... let's just say I wonder what the sermon was about.

Tonight at work was lovely, maybe because I prayed for "a good attitude and love for the customers". Also because it was a short shift I was working with the three chillest coworkers. Plus it's my Friday night! Dang!

I feel this video.

2011-12-12T00:09:00.001-08:00

1) Seems that all Kaitlins suffer in the same way.

2) Seems that all Kaitlins are gender ambiguous.

Hollumday Spurt

2011-12-08T01:45:00.001-08:00

This is my favorite Christmas decoration in the entire world. It's been in the Trott family since I was in college (if not high school). I love the striation of glitter right at the little figures' face level.

Constant refrain of my life

2011-12-07T23:22:00.001-08:00

I AM THE BIGGEST FOOL!

GOD IS GOOD!!!

Saturate, Fill Me Up

2011-12-05T20:33:00.001-08:00

Liquid in
Liquid out
That's what my life
Was all about

I was just reading the Wikipedia article about Occupy Portland, and I clicked on mayor Sam Adams' name. It took me to the article for Samuel Adams, 1700's politician and founding father of the USA.

That's good.

Use Christmas to your advantage. "Advent"age. HA HA.

2011-12-05T12:04:00.001-08:00

Around Christmas, it seems like Christians put a lot of energy into being anti-materialistic.

We're so.... dumb.... sometimes....

"reee"

2011-12-04T23:39:00.001-08:00

This song... probably because of the line about "a little train outside of Tokyo"... makes me really nostalgic for Seoul.

Nothing really else to report. I'm trying to think. Yeah, no, nothing. It's my weekend! REEEEE!!!

Full Car, Full Temple of the Lord

2011-12-04T13:46:00.001-08:00

This morning some of James' friends came with us to church. I like it when we bring people because it somehow makes me feel like it will make Pat feel good. Ha ha.

The sermon was about the whole Adam vs. Jesus idea. One man, Adam, "ruined everything", and then one man (/one God), Jesus, took care of it. It made me think about how everything comes around for (and also originates from?) God's glory. And also about how... it's almost good that we "inherited" Adam's sin... because then it only took one act to save us. Something about it made me feel more unified with everyone. "Mankind". Maybe I will try praying as "we" and "us" instead of "I" and "me".

The songs we sang were nice, too. "Pleased as man with men to dwell/Jesus, our Emmanuel". Oh yes!

I also got my two "angel tree" assignments. I have to buy "accessories" for a 16- and a 17-year-old girl. This will be one of the funnest/easiest tasks of the year. When John gave them to me, he said "you know, it doesn't have to be perfect - it's the gesture that counts". I said, "I don't think you understand - this is my FORTE!"

I am feeling funny today because I have been drinking more coffee than usual lately. But also I'm nervy/nausy because I sort of have "a date" (but not really, not a true date) tomorrow night. I'm wondering how many times I can use Crest Whitening Strips in one 24-hour period.

Bvvvvvv-Vvvv!

Pro"fun"dity

2011-12-03T18:57:00.001-08:00

Was beginning to fall asleep, and "fantasizing" elaborately about teaching foreign children about opposites. I thought about the nature of an opposite. Then I thought, dang, if "black" is the opposite of "white", then the opposite of "tall" is... "deep".

In my half-dream state it seemed very profound.

Oh, it's so good.

2011-12-03T18:38:00.001-08:00

A profile on a popular dating website.

"If you clicked on my profile you already know that I ride horses."

Only photo is of individual in water with dolphin.

How... to capture something like this... in edible form... so that I can consume it... and it can become... a part of me... forever... ?

Mmmbop

2011-12-03T01:50:00.001-08:00

Back-beat
The word is on the street
That the fire in your heart is out

Today I...

...did some Christmas-related errands, and ended up at Lloyd Center, of all places. Need to remember never to "end up" there ever again.

...purchased Bluejazz... ER... Bluegrass Christmas music CD at Dollar Tree, for listening to whilst cruising about in the Spirit of Hillsboro.

...tried to drink Jeremiah Weed Roadhouse Tea (~5% alc.). Only had two sips. It's too sweet. It probably has 5000 calories per can! Pretty bad, except you don't have to count calories that you throw up later. James tried a sip and said "it tastes like prunes." I tried it again and he is right.

...emailed to Jenny Applegate. I knew something was missing from life.

...ate a pomegranate. Delicious. My stomach hurts, but I think that's from Jeremiah Weed.

...started reading The Poetics of Space by Gaston Bachelard. It's very interesting. Right now I am at a part where he is talking about the polarization of a house, and what cellars represent, vs attics. Philosophically it seems very peripheral and indulgent... but in a sort of magical way. Everything he asserts is a huge stretch, but the way he explains it is lovely. He also wrote a book called The Psychoanalysis of Fire. Seems a bit like a joke, doesn't it? Well! It's not!

...heard James' latest adventure story - but I shan't put him on blast. He can tell you himself.

...hid my post-shower hair under a new hat and wore faux glasses and large striped sweater to the grocery store. Felt aware of people looking at my face, and then instantly down at my body, searching for gender clues.

Come my lady
Come come my lady
Be my butterfly, sugar, baby

Jesus Saves

2011-12-01T14:02:00.001-08:00

The moral law does not make itself weak to the weak, it does not palliate our shortcomings, it remains absolute for all time and eternity. If we do not realise this, it is because we are less than alive; immediately we are alive, life becomes a tragedy.

...When we realise this, then the Spirit of God convicts us of sin. Until a man gets there and sees that there is no hope, the Cross of Jesus Christ is a farce to him.

...We only realise the power of the moral law when it comes with an "if". God never coerces us. In one mood we wish He would make us do the thing, and in another mood we wish He would leave us alone. Whenever God's will is in the ascendant, all compulsion is gone. When we choose deliberately to obey Him, then, with all His almighty power, He will tax the remotest star and the last grain of sand to assist us.

OC, this morning.

I am thinking about how

a) God is mysterious
b) we can know what God's "plan" is because Jesus did go to the Cross, to death, for us, and while that "happened" (emphasis on -"ed"), it still IS God's plan. That is the plan. That is the main thing.
c) what a surprise it must have been, for the ones who loved God before Jesus died, to find out what the plan was, what God's glorious victory really entailed. I think people still think that way, today. Something along the lines of needing to defeat and win etc. There is nothing left to defeat - !?
d) service to God is not scrambling around, breaking windows, helping him loot the world. Seems more like, it's an act of love to God and to Jesus, which is loving others, seeing things the new way, taking care of things, learning, desiring good, being good, etc.

In my own life I experience a little bit of disconnect, here. I seem to lack energy. I seem to feel that there is not a lot left to do. Except worship. That's good, just think of it that way, that everything is "worship". Maybe if I focus on that, I will feel more revived. It seems like a good place to start.

Holy [!!], tomorrow is so good, too:

It is a snare to imagine that God wants to make us perfect specimens of what he can do; God's purpose is to make us one with Himself.

...If you go on with this idea of personal holiness, the dead-set of your life will not be for God, but for what you call the manifestation of God in your life. "It can never be God's will that I should be sick," you say. It was God's will to bruise his own Son, why should He not bruise you?

O, LO'D!

Shibblings

2011-11-27T01:44:00.001-08:00

I just had a good, solid ~3 hour conversation with James about love and family and the rest. I feel lucky/blessed to have a sibling who is so interesting to talk to & such a kindred spir. I feel encouraged. Hmm! Halle-lew!

Work tonight was a disaster. Only because I had a splitting headache and was wearing tights that were too short for my legs (sounds impossible, I know...) and thus uncomfortable. It was an uncomfortable time. But I did get to bond with one of my coworkers a little more, and an elderly customer said "I looooove your little outfit! It's so cute!" I turned to face & thank her, and before I could open my mouth she added "and you're beautiful!"

-----

Reading Update

Today I started two books:

One is a book of letters between Ezra # and James Joyce.

"P.S. This is a very poetical epistle. Do not imagine that it is a subtly worded request for secondhand clothing."

Ha ha ha. It's nice to casually read other peoples' mail. I have never read anything by EP. I have seen a photograph of him, though, and liked what I saw.

The other book I started is the "sequel" to Motorman, called The Age of Sinatra. It's not really a sequel because it's nothing like Motorman at all. The only similarity is that Moldenke is the protagonist again, and he still has four additional hearts (sheep hearts). I don't like it. I might even hate it. I will keep trying to read it, though. Potentially. I will also try to read The Pisstown Chaos, which is the "sequel" (??) to TAoS.

On deck (more like "on floor", but oh well):

- Collected writings of Zelda Fitzgerald
- The Age of Wire and String by Ben Marcus
- Tender is the Night by F. Scott Fitzpatrick I mean Fitzgerald
- The Day of the Triffids by John Wyndham
- A Moveable Feast by Ernest Fitzgerald Hemingway

-----

It is very late at night! I must sleeb!

SECRET BLEATING

2011-11-26T01:54:00.001-08:00

I can't eat a hashmouth without thinking "seeeeecret eeeeeeating...". Actually I can't eat very much of anything w/o thinking that. Actually that is "all" "I" "do".

-----

Thanksgiving has come, passed, etc.
Crimmus comes.
It's the holiday season.
"And dickory dock" ....
"And don't forget to menunmumn [wat word(s) is this?] the clock" ....
"Cause he's comin' down the CHIMNEY-DOWN."

Not the chimney-down!

Things I was thanksful fo' this year:

1. Prayer/General feelings of inseparability from God.
2. The whole Hboro Trott famb.
3. "Love me, love dog" and everything else Alex says/does.
4. My job(s). Esp. coworkers & bosses at Celeryzone.
5. Books, words, the library, Nanowrimo, etc. of that ilk.
6. Floyd II.

Things I want for Crissums:

1. ________?

-----

Today I finished reading Julian Barnes' novel Sense of an Ending. Or maybe it's The Sense of an Ending. I read the first 1/3 yesterday and I almost didn't pick it up again because it seemed to basically be a duplicate of A Separate Peace. One of those books about boys in private school who make a "new friend" who "stands out from the other boys". I looked up a review online that inspired me to finish it. The main character grew up and got old. On and on it went. The ending was a surprise, but a sort of cold/dark one. On the back cover one of the review blurbs compares it to Turn of the Screw. I didn't get that vibe at all, at first, but after the last few pages I think maybe it is similar. Where the main portion of the story is like "hmm, dang" and then the ending is like "DANG!".

I also recently (w/in the past ~3 days) read a book called Women as Lovers by Elfriede Jelinek. Translated from German, but written in the style of Chinese water torture. It's basically about women who work in factories (or not) and try to get married as hard as possible. They only seem to be able to find one way, and that is to get knocked up. Then they proceed to have boring and terrible lives, whether they married the good and rich man or the poor and abusive one. I wouldn't even say that it has a feminist edge. It's just, the bleakest picture of men and women that I have seen recently (I almost added "outside of the Celerymart clientele on Thanksgiving Day" but that's not true... ha ha ha).

Also, I read Ernest Hemingway's unfinished-due-to-death novel Garden of Eden. I loved the first three chapters so much... but then the actual "plot" (""""plot"""") gave me a headache. It did make me want to read A Movable Feast again, now that I've read some of his actual fiction, which I guess he's "known for". Har, har!

How is my writing going? Bad. Or, more like "not".

But I will write, more.

-----

One of my weird obsessions is drugstore makeup. It's the "treasure" I would like to amass and hoard. It's like art supplies for your face and finger tips. Also it comes in little cases (cute). Also it's inexpensive (sort of). Working in a drugstore is dangerous. But it's absurd. I don't even wear that much makeup. And what I do wear is just the same three or four ones every day, and rarely anything too colorful.

Anyway, somehow this week at Celerymart there was a loophole deal that allowed me to purchase more than ten ~$9.00 lipsticks for ~$0.09 each. I should mention that one of my other weird obsessions is acquiring things for free, or nearly for free. It was the perfect storm. It reminded me of nightmares I've had about urgently getting deals.

Isn't there something about this in the Bible, about the financially savvy "Proverbs Woman" turning one of her husband's hard earned dollars into twelve tubes of Revlon lipstick?

Makeup thoughts.

I dunno. Part of why I like working at Celerymart is that it's the place plebs come to buy their makeup. I like seeing what they can "do" with themselves. Some of them go all out. Sometimes it looks uncomfortable, but sometimes it impresses me. There was a girl tonight wearing a thick dose of black eyeliner all around her eyes and false lashes and glitter and she had a golden afro. Her application technique seemed flawless and it looked actually very good (to me). It looked fun.

Dream makeups that I am on the lookout for:

- Matte, bright orange lipstick.
- The pinkest, most neon blush.

Hair update:

Still brown. I am used to it now. I actually like it. I don't think I would go back. Even though a coworker said "oh - you changed your hair! The old color was much prettier!" Ha ha ha.

-----

Oh... and I had an interesting moment at work tonight. I was helping a dude at the register, and there was a dude behind him in line, and down one of the aisles nearby I could see a third dude. They were probably all strangers to each other, and they certainly were to me, but they had one striking feature in common - they were all shorter than me! (I'm maybe, exactly the average height of a woman. Five five, or something.)

I tried to imagine what it would be like if ALL men were shorter than me. If most men were shorter than most women. I felt very empowered. It was very odd and interesting. I will think about it further. Right now it is 4am. I am not surprised to have stayed up this late because I broke my caffeine rule and had ~5 cups of coffee and ~3 Cokes.

Goodnight,
Love,
The tallest girl you know

On knees & backs

2011-11-20T13:51:00.001-08:00

Preface: today is a heavy PMS day. All systems are not go. Saline leakage reported in facial areas. Green, yellow, orange AND red alert: abort everything.

----

Church this morning was definitely good, though. It was good to be there. Points:

- "How deep the Father's love for us/How vast beyond all measure/That he should give his only son/To make a wretch his treasure"

- Jesus "is" the Kingdom of God.

- "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me."

- We cannot die for others' sins but we can soothe the effects of sin in/on their life.

I have been thinking lately about the thing of "all I have is yours". I want all that I have to be God's. That means time, energy, money, possessions. I am looking around my room and seeing things that God probably doesn't even really want, i.e. a baking tin full of jujubes (the orange and yellow ones, since I don't eat those flaves). Also i.e. the skeleton of a cluster of grapes. Dang.

I feel sort of inadequate to live a life re "all I have is yours". I'm not very bright, actually, or inventive. In jobs and tasks I tend to need a lot of direction. I have to get lots of clarification. And still somehow I am not able to perform "perfectly". I feel like when I pray "WHAT SHOULD I DO?!" the answer is "______________". Or if the answer is "love your neighbor" I pray "WHO?" and the answer is "________". Or if the answer to that is "everyone " I pray "BUT WHO SPECIFICALLY?" et cetera, etc.

Once I worked in a customer service job where our bosses told us that we had complete freedom to do whatever we needed with/regarding the company's property to make the customer happy. If we wanted to give them free samples, if we wanted to give them a cheaper price, if we wanted to return their money without a receipt (or even without the actual product), we could, without even getting a supervisor's approval - as long as we were doing it in the spirit of providing good customer service.

I think that is how it is, to serve Christ. In the spirit of serving Jesus and others, we are "free" to do whatever we deem appropriate with the parts of His domain that are under our personal care. Time and money and body, etc.

I want to be that way, and see things that way.

----

Determinedly take no one seriously but God, and the first person you find you have to leave severely alone as being the greatest fraud you have ever known, is yourself.

- Oswald Chambers

Ponyboy & Moldenke

2011-11-20T00:00:00.001-08:00

I was just watching a bit of teev on the hulu. During the adverts I knitted. I heard one commercial for Trojan's "bareskin" condoms. I heard it as "bearskin". Ha ha ha! Grizzlybone! SORRY!

After a semi-successful write-in with Dabe, I came home and took a bath and read the rest of Motorman. I feel like this book is comparable to recovering from a drug addiction... that is, it gets worse before it gets better. It starts out weird, then it gets really weird, but then by the end it's really wonderful. Moldenke, the main character, has one working eye and several hearts and constipation and weird eating habits. He has a vague and not-even-that-intense relationship with a woman named Cock Roberta (!!!). But somehow he endeared himself to me so completely that I almost cried at the end of the story!

Another fave, for sure.

Next I will read The Outsiders, since I liked the movie so much. Turns out S.E. Hinton wrote it when she was sixteen. Whether or not I am impressed remains to be seen.

Coo!

Bas'KLY

2011-11-18T01:14:00.001-08:00

So this has recently become "our" (we = me & God) song of the moment.

I can't rest

I can't find

All I need is you and I

The music video seems to be about Pangea.

Dabe gave me some good Nanowrimo encouragement today, and Jenny A gave me an excellent idea, so tonight I was able to write a good bit after work. I'm nowhere near back on track, but... I think it'll be okay!

I started reading a book called Motorman by David Ohle. So far, it's one of the weirdest books I've ever read. It reminds me of Lightboxes by Shane Jones. It's a bit gross as well, dealing with bursting "jellyheads" (not quite sure what a jellyhead is yet, will report back later w. more info) and "dumps" (= exactly what you think).That aspect reminds me of Blake Butler, which is... the worst. I might have stopped reading it except for the fact that the way Ohle uses language is so interesting and amazing sometimes. All today I've been thinking about two words that he used to describe the way a character moved... he says that the character "crabbed backwardly".... AAAAHHHH. DANG. WONDERFUL.

"Crabbed backwardly".....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I spent big money today. BIG. BIG MONEY. Gotta start working big hours in the schools. Gotta bolster my income before I have to crab backwardly into chapter 11.

Ahh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I will tell you what I buyed later.

--------

p.s. I'm'n'a dye my hair one last time back to my natural color. As close as possible, anyway. This could happen any day. This could happen tomorrow.

Book Groop

2011-11-16T15:01:00.001-08:00

Mark Twain's pronouncement that the personages in a novel should be alive, except in the instance of corpses - and that the reader should be able to tell the corpses from the others.
Unfortunately not the case in Fenimore Cooper, he determines.

Still reading David Markson's The Last Novel. The above made me laugh out loud in the bath. "Last of the Mo' Sleepin's" indeed.

Mr. Choakumchild, Dickens names the demanding schoolmaster in Hard Times.
Almost an insult to the serious reader, Shaw said.

Had to include that one for Dabe.

One would like to curse them so that thunder and lightning strike them, hell-fire burn them, the plague, syphilis, epilepsy, scurvy, leprosy, carbuncles, and all diseases attack them. Ignorant asses.
Being Luther, in a contemplative mood re the papal hierarchy.

Not that Christians need more reminders that the only "hero" or "leader" we have is Jesus, the one author of our faith.

(Also, Mabe, does that not remind you of a certain Bible study we attended recently?)

-------

Last night I went to a write-in in NE Portland. There were almost too many people there, and it reminded me of that thing... of like... "if a thousand chimps sat down at typewriters how long would it take before one of them typed one of Shakespeare's sonnets verbatim". Ha ha ha ha!

There was a gentleman sitting in front of me, and occasionally I would read over his shoulder. But he was using a small font and it was difficult. One line I did partially catch, though:

"#########################################################" said the [couldn't see].

& I thought I was proficient at writing dialog....?

I wrote ~2.5k last night, which is good, but I am feeling discouraged. I always choose the most boring things to write about! Or... I write about the things I choose to write about so boringly! BARV!

But I'm keep on keep on.

------

WAY LATER IN THE DAY:

I just got back from working the night shift at Celerymart. I guess I forgot to "publish" this post this morning after I wrote it. That's good, though, because I'd like to take this opportunity to share about some of the customers of note I served this eve.

1. Dude buys cigarettes, walks out, I see that the back of his leather jacket says "VARP - Vikings Against Racist Propaganda".

2. Older dude comes up and wants to use his flex-spending account to buy some medical items/medicine. Then out of the blue he goes "like, I'd like to be on the same medical plan as CONGRESS" then "half of them are millionaires anyway so what do they need health care for" then "you know, it's like NOT WHO YOU KNOW, it's how much MONEY you have" then "THANK GOD I don't have KIDS" then "America is the only developed country that doesn't provide health care for its citizens" then "I'd just like to live in a country where no one wakes up and thinks they'd be better off not to be alive!"

I [finally] said, "I don't believe there is a place like that."

He goes, "Europe, Chile-"

I go, "There are depressed people in Chile."

3. The lady right after that guy comes up and is eating a package of Reese's PB Cups in the most grossssss way possible, like sucking on them, without taking them out of the little waxed-paper cups that they come in? And she's going "MMMMmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMmmmmmm.....!!!"

4. The lady right after THAT has a big bloody bandage around one of her fingers.

I actually feel bad about the attitude I gave to the paranoid dude, #2. I wasn't really giving him the time of day. He talked so much... I bet he's just lonely because he doesn't have any kids! Dang! I hope he has a good day tomorrow.

Press'd & Pull'd

2011-11-14T16:50:00.001-08:00

The sign in the window says Pants Pressed Here. But when you bring in your pants, you discover that it is the sign that is for sale.
Being Kierkegaard - on the typical obscurity of what normally passes for philosophy.

That is from and I am reading David Markson's The Last Novel. Another gu one:

Exactly the right tone of thought and feeling to appeal to grocers.
Leslie Stephen credited Dickens with.

------

It is time again to be "writing-in" at Insomnia Coffee with Dabe. I am ~10k short on Nanowrimo. Excelsior!

-----

~15 minutes in, things re my nanowrimo that I have Google-searched so far:

- "birthday invitation when where"
- "best plays for community theater"
- "meursault"
- "wine selection at target"

That pretty much sums up the entire novel, actually.

-----

I have written thus far 2k+ words. That's good news. The Nanowrimo "stats" page tells me that I need to write ~1800 words per day to finish by the 30th. That's comforting. I guess?

I'm realizing that I'm almost halfway through this and the plot has not quite taken off yet. It's sort of permanently taxiing around the runway. Ha ha!

-----

Later: I am at home. I think I will call that write in a success. Yay.

PHONE DAY

2011-11-12T21:37:00.001-08:00

Talked to everyone on the phone today it seems. This blog is becoming a log of phone activities. A "phlog" if you... will. (Don't.)

Dabe gave me a pep talk re: the Nan. I am behind by several days. But tonight I am writing a bit. I want to take a bath. I won't, until I write 500 more words. It sounds easy, but if it's EASY why am I WRITING A BLOG to put it off?!

After the bath I am going to write even more. Goal for the eve: 18000. Right now? 15790. Hnnnghh!!

I am currently drinking Dr. KJT's DIET COLA WINE ELIXIR. Equal parts diet cola and wine. Heals all.

Today at Celerymart I decorated the company Crimmus trees. In doing so I aspirated ~6 cu.cm. of glitter. I have Christmas Lung. I also have Christmas Hands from "fluffing" the artificial branches, which are made of what is essentially green razor-wire.

After that I came into Hboro and went to Target where I wandered and ended up spending beau coup bala dala on two little boys' sweaters. I also went to the fabric store and picked up my birthday present (sewing machine).

F2 and I are hanging out now. It's way past his bedtime at this point, I think. Poor bouf. He is resting his head on a pillow and it is very cute!

Everything good comes from God. Also, everything "bad" sort of comes from him too. Phew!! I love it!! I love him!! Lately in the Spirit of Hillsboro when I've been driving around, to work or wherever, I've been singing that song "I loooove you Lord, and I liiiiiift my voice...." It's fun. "...May it be a sweet, sweet sound to your ear" - big request, I know. But he is a big God.

I read recently, the part [in the stories about Jesus, in the Bible] where Peter ID's Jesus as the son of God, and Jesus says "it's not because of what you figured out or "learned" that you say that, it's because of the faith that God has given you". Paraphrase. That is so, so awesome to me. Partially because I don't "get" my own faith (which is... extreme) sometimes, and also because I don't "get" how someone else could ever attain faith. Nice to know I don't have to get it and that it's out of my hands. Praise the Lo'd!

You're #1! You're the best!

Lovelove!

make you dance, make you sing

2011-11-10T23:53:00.001-08:00

Today:

1. Went to Nonviolent Crisis Intervention training. It was held at the same school I subbed at last week, which was kind of nice... just because I knew how to get there already. The training was good. In one "role play" I screamed so loud/much that my throat is still sore. That's all I remember. Oh, also someone told me that there was no way I was "older than 25". NICE.

2. I talked to Nashville Alex on the telephone. He informed me that when he is done with graduate school he will be 27, and I will be 31. That's nice to think about (no, it's not).

3. Worked at Cel'rymart all eve. A man of the streets with a janked-out guitar came in and spent about thirty minutes doing a chant to himself like this (while he stood near the magazines, but not looking at the magazines):

Whaddo we want?
Cigarettes!
When do we want em?
Now!

Then he bought a Coke, and some rubbing alcohol. Not cigarettes. Then he stayed for an additional fifteen minutes, whistling the same three notes over, and over, and over.

Later, a dude came up to the counter with a bunch of stuff. I rang it up and then he handed me the least convincing counterfeit $100 bill I've ever seen. I was calmly like, "dude this isn't real money". He left.

"Occupy The Kingdom"

2011-11-09T23:15:00.002-08:00

Tomorrow I have crisis intervention training at the same school that I worked three days at, last week. Maybe I'll get to see Jerry again! ****!

Tonight at work blah blah "attitude adjustment" blah blah blah.

Nanowrimo blah blah "catch up later" blah blah blah.

-------

I got a lovely berthdey gift from Lindz in the mail today, and OP sent me my last two paychecks... I kept putting off going in and getting them, I guess they got fed up and sent them to the house. Right on! The timing couldn't really have been better, from a financial perspective.

Thanks, Lord!

Nanowrimo Write-In w/ Dabe Live Blog

2011-11-07T18:38:00.000-08:00

I have passed 10k on my nanorushmore. "Nan. Rushmore." HA.

Dabe is closing his eyes. He must be about to write a really sensual scene. He must visualize....! There, now he is typing away.

I am looking around Insomnia and noting what I already knew was true: 90% of the clientele here is Christian hipster (Chripster) pre-teens with bubbly handwriting.

Well come on
Hooooo-lyyyy ghost
When you gonna
Coooome out to plaaaay

My characters are all exactly like me. There's fat Kait, atheist Kait, 20-something male Kait, 20-something female Kait, character-based-on-Nashville-Alex-and-or-kid-from-"top 1%"-school Kait.... ETC!

I think I'm going to have it happen where at the end of the story John Mission wakes up and it's all a dream. That will certainly show everyone. And relieve everyone, because this is some "all-Kait" hell I'm cooking up.

I'll write more, ~500 words from now...

-----

I made some characters kiss on the lips. SEEMS REALLY AWKWARD. I tried to be demure, but that just makes it sound like they had sex. Like, "less implies more" or something. So I am being really explicit. "They kissed and that's all they did, they just kissed on the lips and did not "get to bases" or do (feel?) other things". (I didn't write it quite like that.)

At the last write-in another nan'-er and I were talking about inclement weather. He said, "wormhole season". I am not writing sci-fi, but luckily one of my characters is. I am excited to include this term. "Wormhole evacuation route" "Seek immutable ground".

-----

WOW - you will never believe this! I've had my headphones in this entire time, but just now when I took them out Dabe said, "There was a song playing a little while ago that I liked, I wish you'd heard it, maybe you would know what it was." I said, "did you hear any of the words?" and he said, "no... but it was sort of like a ballad with several different movements, and it went on for quite a while." I suddenly had a guess and pulled it up on Grooveshark for him to listen to. He said "........that's it!"

The song: Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie.

I am amazed! My first guess!

----

Alright. I'm not "behind" anymore. I've got ~11.5k words. Excerpt:

The order in which they found out that John Mission and Tage An had kissed on the lips:

Tage An (having known preemptively)
John Mission (having known in the moment)
Hannah Kimball (having guessed the next morning)
Zeno Jones (having learned from John Mission the following Thursday in casual-turned-hushed conversation)
Paul Pelayo* (having read about it in John Mission’s novel Dear Tage An, two years later)
Daniel Banfield (never)

OMG BARRFVVVVV. (Also that's everyone's name)

*Paul's last name alternates between "Pelayo" and "Peyano" throughout the text. I can't even keep names of my own creation intact in my mind.

------

Someone else just joined us! This is a three person write in! Daaaannnnnggg!

NanoDabeMo

2011-11-07T16:16:00.001-08:00

I just arrived to Insomnia Coffee with Dabe. We're to write on our NaNoWriMo novels... but I am tempted to watch the rest of "The Outsiders".... I think it's one of my new favorite movies. Ponyboy.... I love you.

Speaking of "I love you" - my #1 crushtomer (the "metal" one with long hair & all black clothes) came into Celerybarn yesterday. Ah. M and I stalked him through the store, and then M said I should ask him "do you need help finding anything?" and eventually I did, and no, he didn't need any help. Dang. Notes:

- He never buys cigarettes or alcohol.
- He was looking at the vitamins.
- He has lovely hair that is thick and clean.
- His face is kind.

++++!

Dang. I'm calling him "Ponyboy" from now on.

Now I must write. I am behind!!!

Love,
Keh-Ee-Teuh

RX

2011-11-05T01:41:00.001-07:00

Crazy, psychotic week. Three 12+ hour work days in a row. I want to write more about that school job, but I am too tired.

And the week's not really over yet, either. Tomorrow I am working a celery-morning, and then meeting someone new at Powell's for a write-in. During Nanowrimo, Tennesseeans (Teen-assassins?) are my spirit animal and I am lucky to have found one out here in Portland. Totem achieved. I will write 4000+ words tomorrow. MUST!

I just read over what I have, so far, for the story. I actually really like it. More than I thought I did. "It's going somewhere" - !

-----

Today looking at the Rx symbol I thought... "the Rightousness of Christ (X)".

Healed!

Overwork

2011-11-03T01:31:00.001-07:00

I'm burning the candle at both ends... or more like, throwing the candle into the fire.

It's been an interesting day. I worked at a school this morning and a boy with severe retardation tried to pull my hair out and then punched me in the face (no shiner - dang!). I'll be working in his class tomorrow as well, and Friday. His classmates are all also "extra-special education" level. Wild crew to be sure. Maranatha.

At Celerymart, I got the usual ~10 compliments on my glasses and/or hair. One dude said I looked "like a movie star!" - dang! That's about as good as it gets (except, wait... which movie? It's Pat? "Is that a big fan of yours?"). I was also very tired and found myself making gestures that reminded me of gestures that the autistic kid from class this morning frequently made.

After work I met up with another nanowrimer for about an hour and wrote ~1000 words. I'm at 6800, now. That feels pretty good... until I look at what I've actually written. AAAACK! "Watermelon watermelon watermelon watermelon watermelon watermelon watermelon..." has more literary appeal and better cadence.

Last night I read in the Bible about Jesus healing a man's blindness by putting spit and dirt on his eyes and telling him to go to a specific body of water and bathe in it. I don't get it. Why all the song and dance? Why the smoke and mirrors? Couldn't he have just healed him instantly?

Also Lord, please use any and all song and dance and smoke and mirrors to heal the blindness in my eyes. And in the eyes of the people I lift up to you. Anything you want. Let everything be your way. Everything is your way. Help me to see that and love it as much as you do. Love me! I love you!

Also Lord, GET THAT COIN. GET THAT COIN!!!

I love you I love you I love you.

Oh dang man daaang

2011-11-02T01:15:00.000-07:00

Broke 5k. That's 1/10 completion! On the first day! Hey-o! It will slow, though, it will slow. Especially since I just signed up to work tomorrow and Thursday and Friday in the same school. And I work at Celerymart all those eves as well.

Here is an excerpt from what I have so far (remember, it's a rough draft!):

He got in. Shut the door. Inserted the key. Turned it. Ignition. Brake. Gas. Reverse.

I am like, super lame for having an automatic car and not knowing how to drive stick. I wonder what would happen if I tried to learn, he thought, as he drove to the grocery store.

He made some sounds for examples of what he thought might happen.

KKSSSHHHH!

BVVVVSSSHH!

DSSHHHH!

He laughed, and arrived.

Dang I am like James Joyce.

Berv Day

2011-10-31T22:53:00.001-07:00

I am 26. Today:

- Jenny & I went to Kohls, and then Uwajimaya's. I bought the biggest thing of kimchi, and many bibimramyon packets. And something else that is a secret for now.

- I went to Goodwill for the last time until December. This is what I'm giving up for NaNoWriMo.

- James and I went out, ate some sandwiches, and got some treats at Walgreens.

- I talked to Nashville Alex on the telephone. Oh my.

- I am waiting [im]patiently for NaNoWriMo to begin. It will begin in ~1 hour.

God is good! Love to him!

Seoul-Sucking

2011-10-29T08:30:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I was thinking about Korea so much that I had an elaborate and cohesive dream last night about making my return there, back to SLP, even, for another year.

My new apartment was pretty sweet, but other than that it seemed immediately like a big mistake!

Phew!!

IT'S THE CHOCOLATES!!

2011-10-28T23:01:00.001-07:00

It's been a running joke between me and one of my coworkers that he's going to buy me the "elegant collection" box of russel stover chocolates. Because I am such an elegant lady (that's the real joke).

Well, tonight...

Just... guess what I'm eating right now!

----

Also, this song plays in the store sometimes and I've been DYING to know which Led Zep song it was... turns out it's R. Plant solo. I can't believe I figured it out. Thank you internet!

slog'n

2011-10-28T15:15:00.002-07:00

TOMORROW WILL BE FUN!

Sick sick sick sick sick sick sick

2011-10-27T23:02:00.001-07:00

Today I felt really sick and spent most of the day in bed. In bed, I did three things:

1. Read the end of Philip K. Dick's A Maze of Death and the beginning of Philip K. Dick's VALIS. At first, I really didn't like Maze. But I've been thinking about it, and now I feel like it's a really interesting story. The premise is interesting. The framework. I love the "religion" in the story. I think it would be a good book for a Bible study. I also was interested by the thing PKD wrote in the introduction, about how one of the characters' post-death experiences are based on an LSD trip that he had.

2. Thought about my time, and how I spend it, and what I want to do. I'm about to turn 26, and as you know, anything that can even slightly be passed off as a "fresh start" is... quickly grasped. By me. What I ended up thinking, the things that I want to do...:

- Paint. Again. More. Make art. I haven't done this in a long time. I have a manager at Celerymart who is an artist and she is helping me to want to get involved in that scene again. To do this I must acquire a canvas and some paint. I think I am going to try to do... something bigger, slower.

- Write. NANOWRIMO. But also beyond nanowrimo. I've thought of many many things to write. I want to somehow be disciplined about this.

- Save some $$$.

- Refocus on being a person who doesn't have strong opinions. Refocus on just Christ.

- Work in schools more regularly. Like, every T, TH. No matter what. The way things are now (the "I'll see how I feel in the morning" approach) I'm not working as much as I want to. In the schools. I'm still working more than 40 hours a week. But. Well.

3. Watched ~5 episodes of the cartoon Home Movies. Ha ha ha ha. Coach McGuirk! "Are all the bandages off my eyes? ...And my eyes are open, right? ...I'm blind."

----

Additionally:

- I may now acquire health & dental insurance. I am excited about the preventative care I will receive soon.
- I am excited for Saturday! Day: Nanowrimo kick-off event & celebrating my birthday with the fam! Night: Halloween costume party & James' debut as Loaded For Bear's new bassist.
- I signed up for a nanowrimo postcard exchange. I have four to write. Must du!
- Jenny Applestore made me some knit booties for my birthday (while I flat out neglected to provide anything to her for hers) that I LOVE. One has a huge hole in the front that three toes stick out of. James said "they're adorable" and I agree. I wear them as much as possible.
- I am going to send Lee, Hoon Hee a Christmas package, but I don't know what to put in it! I thought it would be funny to send some American kimchi. Ha ha!
- Dang, that reminds me that it's time to start making kimchi jigae for every meal.
- I got some "nude" "matte" lipstick. I feel old.
- I am old.
- But somehow I am "better than ever".
- I guess I'm afraid of getting to the top of the hill, and the descent. More than anything.
- But it's not a descent because it's one way, up, for the rest of my life, to God.
- I want to fall in love. I am in love. Dang it!

Shopping List:

- Nylons.
- Postcard stamps.
- "Goods" for Hoonee (maybe Mabe can aid me in this because I sense that they have similar taste).
- 김치

Objective Compl[ain].

2011-10-26T00:58:00.000-07:00

I just finished sewing James' & my halloween costumes. My sewing machine has a "tension" issue, which causes emotional "tension" issues for me. But all is well, and all is complete. With ~6" more lace trim I could have made them ~15% better, but no one will know, and no one will miss it. I think I did a great job on this project and I give myself an A+. I give my sewing machine a C-, and I give James a D.

Other things in life. Let's see.

Uninspired.

"What would I do without you?"

2011-10-23T23:49:00.001-07:00

Today, every sensation is the gospel message.

Thank you Lord for your abundant mercy. To me and to everyone.

BE EVERYTHING TO ME.

YOU ARE.

oobabyahbaby@maejormaejor.com

2011-10-23T07:51:00.000-07:00

A-a-all the haters
Take a picture now
Now
Now
Hold on, let me pose

"If you let me give you CPR"

2011-10-22T00:22:00.000-07:00

Seems like someone borderline illiterate has been updating my blaaauuurrrrggggggggghhh!

A long time ago I got stuck in this brainhole where all I could think of were Dumbledore puns, but not even puns, just things like "Dumblecloud" and "Stumbledown" or whatever.

Now I'm experiencing the same thing with Occupy Portland. All day I'm like "occupy the shower" "occupy Starbusk" "occupy Poland" "occupy Coos Bay" "occupy Walgreens" "occupy kaitlintrott.blogspot.com".

C'est la V.

----

Many minutes per day are being spent planning for Nanonino. Wrimoccino. HA HA. The plotbag's about to burst - I can't wait for November to arrive. I have tried to convince several people to join me in this adventure but to low availment.

I think I just heard a gunshot!

And now it's time to say
What I forgot to say
Bay-bee, bay-bee
C'mon, what's wrong?

----

One of the little boys I was working with today really hated me. Actually, I think he probably hates everyone (the # of times he called other children "stupid" or asked them "hey - do you know how to fight!?" made me think this - also the way his playground repertoire consisted entirely of projecting wood chips in various styles). I was helping him draw a big owl (TAX$@WORK.EDU!) when suddenly he looked up at me and said "what do you even know, you stupid TEENAGER." Dagger! I was like "well, I have a college degree in drawing, and I'm flattered that you think I'm so young." But the way I said it, I actually meant "I TOTALLY KNOW HOW TO FIGHT! ~~ LEZ DU ~~"

Later, he had computer game time. He asked me to help him find "the Firefox" so that he could look at "Google Images". The teacher interjected and said "What did I tell you?! No Google Images!!!" You can imagine what I was thinking (uh... can't you?). Anyway, a little later one of the other kids goes "he's on Google Images!" - I look over just as he's guiltily minimizing a window. I tell him to show me. It's a picture of just an Xbox, like, the picture off of Target.com's online store or something. Ha ha ha ha!!

----

Celerymart employee asked me beggingly to trade my coveted morning shift for his closing shift tomorrow. I acquiesced. Then he said, "oh GREAT, now I can watch THE GAME!" ...hey-o! At least now I can watch THE DREAM... that I will be having until about 1pm.

----

Jenny A where you @ grr.

ok. bv to me.

2011-10-21T15:56:00.000-07:00

crazy morning. grandparents day at elementary school.

home now. email about potential 3rd job.

about to go to celerymart.

tired.

Style.

2011-10-21T01:31:00.000-07:00

My style has changed.
Before, it was "hobo style".
Now... it's "play style".

I decided that today while driving.

Tomorrow I am going to work more than 12 hours between two jobs!
There's gotta be... ...a better way!

phlags

2011-10-18T21:58:00.000-07:00

So that's like, the military flag, and the civil flag of the USA, respectively. I guess.

----

My time in Coos Bay grows short. Tomorrow I will drive the Spirit of Hillsboro back to... Hillsboro. And then on to NE Portland. Wah!

Further wildlife sightings:

- Many many caterpillars (scientific name Wooly Bear)

- Other similar caterpillars that were light yellow instead of black/orange/black

- Small deer

- Youths on BMX

Also yesterday I did go to the Coos Bay Goodwill. I got a few things, but the best one is a dress that has incorporates all of the best colors and has short sleeves. Nice-euh! I also got a long-ish vintage Levi's skirt that is sort of "urban-puritan". It's not very flattering but I will find a way. Or not, and just still wear it regardless.

Today Mabe and I went for a long walk from her apartment to a slough. Then we drove to a beach and ate a picnic and watched the water and went for another walk. Then we went to Dollar Tree at the mall (it has a claire's, so I guess it's a legit mall) and I got some pans. Then we went to a German restaurant for dinner. Then we came home and Mabe went to bed. And here I am.

Cruel's Bay

2011-10-16T22:00:00.000-07:00

Hello blog family and friends.

Reason I haven't been writing much'o recently: gearing up for nanonono.

Reason I'm writing now: I am in Coos Bay with Mabe and I wanted to make a "wildlife report" re: all the wild lives I've seen here today.

1. Mabe and I saw many, many pelicans. They have large bodies (suitable for eating? and yet?) and not as flappy of bills as I guess I thought/saw on the cartoons.

2. At the marina in Charleston, we saw four sea lions on the dock. We got very close to them, and they barked to us. Mabe seemed afraid that they would charge us. I wasn't afraid of that since they're pretty slow on land (right??) - but then I started thinking, this dock is very narrow and what if a fifth one came up out of the water and bit my legs? Then I had fear, too. But mostly it was a good experience.

3. Also at the marina, we saw two harbor seals. A man at the tuna store told us their names, but I forgot them. "Dazzler" or something.

4. At dinner, we had finished and were talking... there was a gap in the conversation to take water sips and then Mabe said nonchalantly, "hey, look at that". I looked on the table where she meant. It was a big cockroach. Then Mabe said, "oh, I thought it was a wolf spider". I touched it with various things that weren't my actual hand, and it sort of sluggishly moved around. Aren't cockroaches... can't they run faster than the speed of light?

5. On the way to Fred Meyer's later, we saw a family of four racoons coming out of a drain pipe. RACUTE!

6. Other: cats, ba bouves, crows, gulls

Bonus Segment

Things to eat in Coos Bay: crabs, clams
Things to buy in Coos Bay: wine flavored candy gels to send in a package overseas (I first typed accidentally "overeasy")
Things to finish in Coos Bay: No. 44 The Mysterious Stranger by Mark Twain. Intense ending! I will write more about it later.

-----

Tomorrow I will go to the thrift store & explore further. Mabe will go to work.

I want to move to Coos Bay. I want to live here. I want Dabe and Alex to live here too. I've already decided - Dabe and I will open a liquor store called Coos Boos.

-----

Dabe & Alex and I were in the Audi, and Dabe turned on the GPS thing to help me understand it. The word (brand name) "Garmin" came up on the screen. From the backseat, in a deadpan "robot" voice, Alex said... "...I AM GERMAN". Right on!

Witches curse in effect

2011-10-11T18:52:00.002-07:00

I just woke up from a 5 hour nap. I was like "goood mooorning, good MOOORniing, I sleppt the whoole nii- DANG!" This is going to be like, so bad.

Joel: Wanna get a beer tonight? I'm off at 11.
Me: how about 15 o dat?

So't began

2011-10-11T13:17:00.001-07:00

I just got home from my first day as Kaitlin Trott, Substitute.

I was working in a small Elementary/Middle School. Technically I was working in the "annex", a separate and independent school for highly gifted children. One teacher told me that a lot of the students were in the "top 1%". I spent the rest of the day observing the children and trying to guess what the 1% was of. I came to the conclusion that it was the top 1% of human androgyny. Do you think that there's a correlation between extremely smart youths and long, stringy, unkempt hair, femimasculine features, and sack-like clothes? I do. I do now. And it works out well for me because I just described myself at their age. Top 1% represent.

One boy, in one class, left a folded envelope of lined paper on the top of his desk. It said "DO NOT LOOK INSIDE AND DO NOT MOVE FROM THIS DESK". I don't have to describe to you what it is that I badly wanted to do. I did not, however, look inside or move it. I am proud of myself for respecting someone's privacy and property for once in my life, but I feel uncomfortable knowing that it's out there, unknown to me.

Being in an American school and comparing it to SLP was funny. Compared to Hyun Woo I wasn't very impressed by these "gifted learners" or whatever. American kids are way bigger, too. It seems. I thought the first graders were 9 or 10. (MAYBE THEY WERE.) The classrooms were cluttered etc. etc., for some reason I expected "more". It was almost underwhelming, in a way.

Another thing about the top 1% - suuuuch a derth of merriment. All the kids are already haunted by thoughts of the bar exam and medical school. I cracked wise about 30 times and got a lot of "does. not. computer." looks. Ha ha! Love it.

More about my actual job: it was not hard to do. In fact, I barely did anything. Tasks in order of how much I did them from most to least:

1. Stood.
2. Looked & smiled.
3. Responded, "yes I know!" to students' "Your glasses don't have lenses!!"
4. Made photocopies.
5. Thought about what the top 1% was of.
6. Ate two pretz as snack.

As I was leaving, the para I was subbing for took my information so that she can call me specifically to sub for her. That is good news for me because the school is so close to my house, and so chill. Hooray! Thank you Lord for this good first experience!

Looking w/ much light.

2011-10-10T00:08:00.003-07:00

You're in a pitch black room listening to someone next to you describe the beautiful painting on the wall. You have no reason to believe that the painting is as they say, that they can see it. You have no reason to believe that it's even there in the first place to be seen.

Is that what it's like?

----

I had a really good night at work, following a really good morning/afternoon in Hillsboro.

----

After work I got in the S.O.H. and caught the tail end of a commercial on the radio (I was listening to the Christian station... what's it called, "The Fish"?) where a dude with radio-voice was saying "It's YOUR Bible - customize it!" ...I was like, what is this an ad for, jeffersonbible.net? That made me laugh. (Alone in my car to myself and just God.)

----

Tomorrow is A DAY OFF - the first in months! Gonna du:

- laund
- pick up badge from PPS
- Goodwill
- Fabric store for James' & my helloweed costumes
- clean the room?
- maybe go get my knitting from work (I left it there - I keep leaving it)
- hopefully walk around
- grocery shopping
- library (to pick up many holds!)
- pray
- laud
- honor
- etc.

----

This week I am going to try to be aware that I am living in the midst of God's will, and that it is not a choppy, rocky (backy/forthy) place. It's not a place of being lost, and it's not a place of futility. OH GOD - YOU ARE SO GOOD. I LOVE YOU!! Thank you for the day, for the light and the dark and the rain and the Bible and church and family and food and water and sleep and work and everything.

----

I forgot to write about this before - I read Rosmary's Baby today. I got it from the libe because I saw it on the shelf and thought "oh yeah, Rosmary's Baby, that's like, a classic" and on a deeper, more subconscious level I thought "...Babett's Feast..." (not really an important detail of this story). Anyway, I had no idea that it was a horror story. Ha ha! It was cheesy and campy and everything, and reminded me of Stepford Wives, in that while I was reading both stories I was thinking urgently "JUST GET OUT OF THERE, HUH??!?!!" but also wondering if I, in a similarly bizarro situation where even my soul mate had turned against me, would be able to perform a cold bail. On a deeper, more subconscious level I thought "...feminist propaganda..." ...ha ha ha.

Caaaarry on, Nanowrimo is coming

2011-10-09T01:23:00.000-07:00

- Nanowrimo is coming. It consumes my thoughts. For character names I decided to go with real names I've experienced in my life... I thought it might make "it all" seem more real or something. So far: Nathan Harrison (via college bf), John Mission (via Celerymart customer's credit card), Tage An (via future daughter). The plot I've worked out at this point is jumbled and it gets more jumbled the more I think about it. If my mood in real life would stabilize for abou' 48 hours I could probably get it fig'd.

- Tonight I am in Hillsboro. Earlier (but still late) I went to Safeway to get some things (makeup, toothbrush) so that I could stay the night and go to church with Dabe & Alex tomorrow. Pat (from Hope) is preaching here (at the PCA in Hillsboro)... that will be funny unless he thinks I'm stalking him. Anyway, when I went to Safeway (except now I remember, it's not a Safeway - it's an Albrrtsons) I was wearing my sister's pajama shorts (with pirate designs on them) and one of her t-shirts (size XL) and one of Dabe's striped sweaters (size L, stretched/aged to size XL) and my turquoise moccs. This is weird, but I felt like I looked better than ever. In the mirror I was 100% into what I saw. Must translate this into acceptable ("borderline" is fine) daywear outfit. Oooooh KAIT. KAAAIT, NOOOOOO. (Spiral into hobo style.) This is one of those times where I wish how I felt on the inside could somehow translate perfectly into how other people feel on the inside, about me!

- There is a customer at Celerymart. I've seen him twice. He is tall and thin and has a hardcore slouch and sort of a long face and even longer hair (100-150% longer than mine). He wears metal band t-shirts and black pants. But he looks kind, and not dirty. Maybe he is my age but he is probably younger. The first time he came in, I instantly felt "excited" (I want to say "aroused" but only in the mildest sense - or maybe is "awakened" even slightly applicable to this??) and nervous. I made all the wrong eye contact and jokes. The end of the transaction was especially awkward (my fault). Then he left and I felt all flushed and like, aaaaahhh... Today he came into the store again and I had a similar visceral reaction. I have not experienced this feeling of being attracted ("attracted") to someone for no reason in a long time. I think there's something wrong with me, something 13-years-old about me, that he's the kind of person I would feel that way towards, at this point in my life. Or, also, I think he reminds me of a picture I saw of someone else, once. Anyway, I'm glad I was having a "fancy" day (i.e. clean hair). If I see him again (for a 3rd time) I will ask him about his tattoo & make googoo eyes. Maybe.

- Just glanced down at an issue of The River Press and caught a good name for a nano character. "Paul Tuss." I need more girl names... ...all I can think of is mine!

Attend 2 Me

2011-10-08T00:33:00.002-07:00

Something I've been saying/thinking as a response for people's actions or manners, a lot, lately:

"DO YOU NEED SOME ATTENTION??"

Maybe I need some attention.

"Something That Reminded Me Of"

2011-10-06T23:35:00.000-07:00

1. This morning I went to the library to return Flowers Fo Dat Algernon and to pick up another one of my holds. When I got there, my hold was not on the shelf. I inquired about this to the librarian. She and other librarians looked around for about 20 minutes and it was established that the book in question was not on the premises. Which, she said, and I thought too, once she told me, was odd, because the hold was being filled with their book, that is, the book should have been there in the first place. So I didn't get it, it = another Deb Olin Unferth book. I got instead an Alan Lightman novel called Ghost. Alan Lightman wrote Einstein's Dreams, which is one of my favorite books. But he also wrote Reunion... which was basically A Separate Peace (by John Knowles?) + The Nutcracker (ballet). So... ...excruciating...

It was funny, though, uncanny even, coincidental, etc. - the plans I have for my nanowrimo project pretty much revolve around library holds. Getting them, not getting them, etc. (They say, "write what you know".) (It's an autobiography of Jenny Applegate. I'm ghostwriting it.) So this was sort of helpful in a way.

2. AT CELERYMART - in the middle of the day one of my favorite coworkers was walking out of the store and I made some stupid joke at them and they said "...I just got fired." I said "UHHHH" and they were gone. From Celerymart and from my life, forever. UHHHH.

3. I got a sequin skirt from the 70's. I think I might be devolving into hobo style again. I want to dye my hair blue. Etc.

4. Lately I've been feeling paranoid about things (like, will jilted coworker go home and kill himself? did I turn my straightener off!?!?! (extra good one since I didn't even use it today) is _____ lonely? is ______ lonely? is ______ lonely? am I losing what short term memory I have? will I get another flat tire?). Also I've been feeling empty-headed. Sort of hungover or something. I feel that I need some manner of vacation badly.

5. Joel is coming over tomorrow for me to dye his hair.

6. It will be good not to sleep in.

7. Grocery list:

- Kale
- Tomatoes
- Corn
- Apple Cider Vinegar
- Cabbage
- Any other vegetables
- Same fruit

12 27 10 5 2011

2011-10-05T13:17:00.000-07:00

James is outside my door trying to teach himself to play the violin by listening to Collective Soul and [non]effectively just... jamming along.

So, that list (can I write all this before I have to go to work?)...

1. Nano"writemore" (-Jenny Allpetage)

Last night, during my last night of washing dishes for Olympic Provisions, the "new chef" "Jeff" caught me writing in my tiny moleskine planner. He said, "are you writing a book?" and I said "funny you should say that!" and proceeded to tell him all about Nanowrimo. Surprisingly, he was interested! I got really excited while I was talking and encouraged him to get involved with it. He said something about writing Sci Fi. Amazing. I hope he does it! Afterwards, I felt like... why can't I share the gospel like that?

I am stoked for Nano this year. I think I already have basically... the idea. Or, many ideas to tie together. Jeff asked me for advice, to write 50,000 words and win, and I said, "don't fall in love". That's the only thing that tripped me up last year! (Well... and I still wonder if there was ever going to be a humane way to end my story...)

2. Oh yeah, Joel + Anarchy.

So Joel is reading this book about a Russian anarchist c. 1900 or something. Last night after work we went out for a bit and he told me about it. Then we got to discussing anarchy in general, and I was saying things like "but what would that even look like" and "what about Nietzsche's Wille zur Macht" and "do you know anyone who would be a good candidate for an anarchist society, i.e., a good person?" and finally he was like "Kait, you don't listen to anything that I say and you don't respect my ideas." I apologized. It was an interesting conversation because I felt like I was in one of those dreams where you're trying to run or do something quickly and you just can't seem to get moving. Slogging. Trying to process simultaneously:

- what is Joel saying
- what does he mean
- why does he think that
- what do I think
- why
- how to say it in an acceptable way
- how to employ "devil's advocate" technique
- ditto "reverse psychology"
- is my ego in check

At some point we were on the topic of "oppression" and he started in about "church". I was trying to say "I agree with you but church is different than Jesus..." and he gave me the "WTF??" face, so I sort of stopped as not to completely offend. I love Joel.

3. Flowers For Algernon

I read this book in high school, I think. Or maybe jr. high. I remember being very disturbed by it. This time I actually found it really interesting. Maybe I shouldn't write about it yet. I'm still thinking. Okay.

4. Last day at OP

Alex said, "so when you're a rich college professor, you can totally hire me to cook food for your events..." ....ha ha ha ha ha ha! That'll truly be the day. The day... that never comes. I don't know why he said that!? Ha ha ha. I will miss him. I'm trying to strong-arm Jenny into going to OP for dinner with me some night so that I can prove to my (now ex-) coworkers that I am, at times, both clean and dry.

5. Clinton St. Pub

That's where Joel and I went last night. My old-old stomping grounds. Right before we left I peeked into the women's restroom to make sure, and sure enough, above the toilet it still reads in large capital letters: TROTT SUPREMACY.

6. Mane & Tail

I've been using M&T conditioner. Seems the same as other conditioners, but I like the idea and I like the smell. I've also been using "African Pride" conditioning lotion (for split ends etc.). I got it in the "community corner" section of Celerymart's hair care aisle. I love NE Portland.

7. But...

I've been listening to a local hip-hop/rap group's album in the Spirit of Hillsboro, and I've noticed that it makes me want to swear more, and be more bad. Maybe I will stop. Dang.

to wri' bou:

2011-10-05T01:25:00.001-07:00

- nanowritemore & the gospel
- talking to Joel about anarchy, he says I'm close minded and condescending (aka "religious")
- read Flowers For Algernon [again]
- last day @ OP, Alex's aspiration to work for me in the future
- Clinton St. Pub, "Trott Supremacy"
- Mane & Tale (Man & Tall)

My Eye On You - Always

2011-10-03T00:45:00.000-07:00

I woke
I broke free
Drove a long time
It didn't purge you from my mind

SIGH!!!

Hear Him, ye deaf;

2011-10-02T14:20:00.001-07:00

Last night, I had a weird dream about living out of a van, or a tent or something like that where I was concerned about how often I would be able to bathe. Then, I had just arrived at a Barenaked Ladies concert.... when I woke up! DANG IT!

Church with Dabe & that Alex: excellent. Flat tire on the way home: taken care of (for the most part - the dummy wheel is on there now and it looks cute but I don't trust it (I suppose I'm not meant to, for long). Lunch at Vita Cafe: Delcious.

The sermon today was about prayer, which I found to be pertinent to my current plotline. Things:

Prayer is not holding a spiritual gun to God's head.
Prayer is not incantation.
Prayer is not a "lucky charm" to worry in times of trouble.

Prayer is participating in the work of Jesus Christ, that is, intercession for ourselves and others.

Interesting. Gu.

From James Chap. 5: The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

Question: what is power.
Question: what is righteousness.

I know that I am not very righteous, but I also feel sort of... capable of donning the "vestments" of Christ, i.e. righteousness, giving me full access to God's... zone. Not as a disguise, but as a new identity, but not as a disguise. As a real. So, Lord, gimme dat power. Through Christ, over evil, for your glory.

-----

I've been having lots of ideas of stories to write, maybe because I know that NaNoWriMo is around the corner.

Also, this is the month I turn 26. 26 is the "gematric" (wat?) number that corresponds with God's name YHWH. I found that out via Wikipedia. I guess I've been 26 for a while, then. Used to it.

Yesterday a kind woman came through my line at Celerystand and she was wearing a pin that said "I'm GOOD without GOD". So like.... "GOOD" without "GOD" is.... "0"? That's perfectly sound reformed theology. Aha ha ha ha haha. No, I just, it seemed kind of aggressive. Or, I wish I had said "that's an interesting pin".

Then this other, really old woman came in and said, "tomorrow morning I'm going to church!" and I said "lady: me too!" and she goes "??????" and then "I'M 82!!" (I was like, "and so our similarities cease!").

May I take a bath before work?

YES'M!

Oswald Chambers

2011-10-01T00:57:00.004-07:00

Christianity does not consist in telling the truth, or walking in a conscientious way, or adhering to principals; Christianity is something other than all that, it is adhering in absolute surrender to a Person, the Lord Jesus Christ.

----

What is it to speak "the thing that is right" about God? I have never seen God; to call him omnipotent and omnipresent and omniscient means nothing to me; I do not care one bit for an Almighty Incomprehensible First Cause. To speak the thing which is right about God, I must be in living personal relationship with him.

----

If in order to dissolve a piece of ice, you take a hammer and smash it up, you simply break it into so many pieces of ice; but put the ice in the sunshine and it quickly disappears. That is just the difference between man's handling of wrong and God's.

----

Oh sweet glorious Lord! Ha ha! I just finished reading Oswald Chambers' comments on the book of Job. SO GOOD. Also, the MUFHH (my utmost...) reading for Sept 30 is... SO GOOD. SO GOD. Thank you Lord for the book of Job (is it a true story?) and for Oswald Chambers. Now I will start the next "work" - Biblical Ethics.

Oh my goodness, and it is immediately wonderful:

The Ten Commandments were not given with any consideration for human ability or inability to keep them; they are the revelation of God's demands made of men and women who had declared that if God would make his law known, they would keep it. "And all the Lord hath spoken we will do" (Exodus 19:8). "And God spake all these words saying, ...Thou shalt... ...Thou shalt not..." (Exodus 20:1-17). The commandments were given with the inexorable awfulness of Almighty God; and the subsequent history of the people is the record of how they could not keep them.

THE INSIGHT IS UNBEARABLE.....!!!!!

That Curfew

2011-09-30T10:44:00.001-07:00

Last night, I finished The Curfew.

Of the three Jesse Ball novels I've read, this is my least favorite. I still liked it, I guess, and his writing was still so, so beautiful... but the execution of the concept (which seemed quite good) was sort of lacking. His stories always are, but this one in particular...

An analogy that I thought of is: when you go to a restaurant, you're there to eat a meal. Even if it's the fanciest restaurant in the entire world, with the most fine and detailed serving dishes. The dishes add to the meal, via pleasing presentation, but they aren't the main nourishing thing.

Same with a novel, maybe - you're there ultimately for the satisfaction of a story. An excellent writing style is only a vessel.

A Jesse Ball novel is like going to that fanciest restaurant, and having half of the serving dishes come to the table empty. Like, oh, look what a fancy dish - WHERE DAT CHOW. Meanwhile the servers look chuffed and proud of themselves. The Curfew had a ratio of maybe 1 dish of edibles to every 6 empties. At a certain point, you're so hungry you don't care how fancy or immaculate a dish is - it alone cannot satisfy. It does not.

He is a poet, though, after all. Can hardly be blamed. Some of the images he writes are so good. Painterly. It was a good book. Worth the evening I spent on it. Worth the walk to the library certainly. Worth the wait on the holds list. Worth thinking about. Worth writing this blog regarding.

Here is one of my favorite excerpts. From a conversation between two men. I like it because somehow it seems so natural and casual. Also it reminds me of the movie The Ring, which... I wish I didn't, but it does, so.

--When I was a kid, you know, I had a tremendous fear of horses. I felt very uncomfortable about their shape, and I was horrified that I was completely alone in this. Once, I read about a war a long time ago where thousands and thousands of horses were killed by machine gun fire. I felt very comfortable about that. There was a black and white photograph in the book of a field of dead men and dead horses. The perspective of the book was that the horses were not to be blamed.

--But you felt differently.

--I felt differently.

Those last two lines - something about that makes me feel very "YEP, EXACTLY LIKE THAT."

-----

It is 10:42. It's not getting any earlier.

Ich Weiß Kerker Man ~~~ !!!

2011-09-29T15:22:00.000-07:00

Went for walk.

First, I arrived to the bank. Did banking. Left.

Second, I arrived to the coffee shop, and I watched out the window where I was sitting at a young man reading The Forever War, which I haven't read but which Jon read and said was good. Then I saw this young man see a hobo looking for longish cigarette butts in an ash tray. Y.M. said some words to the hobo and produced a whole, new cigarette. Handed it over. Hobo seemed confused and left. I thought about going out and saying "hey - I saw how you gave that hobo guy a cigarette - I just wanted to say, thanks for being a kind person". But I didn't because I couldn't think of a way to say it that didn't sound ridiculous. So I just prayed that he would reap a reward somehow. And then I followed him a little ways... when he left. He was going to a class (this occurred near PCC). No one attacked him. Good. That's why I was following. I guess. Also just to see where a kind person goes.

Third, I arrived to the Library. Walked out w/ another successful, balanced and small batch:

Book: The Curfew by Jesse Ball (FINALLY - been waitin' on this hold fo weeks!)
CD: Bits by Oxford Collapse (listening now. sounds gu.)
DVD: Vernon, Florida (documentary about Vernon, Florida that looks like an American, non-fictional "Last Of The Summer Wine" situation)

I started reading The Curfew on the walk home. Just the first few pages. It was so good I had to stop, so I could wait for a better time, when I can read more of it, with more focus. Also reading and walking down NE Portland sidewalks, which are famously uneven, missing in places, used by "cyclists" (funny to call 34-year-olds on BMXs "cyclists"), etc., seems dangerous for someone like me (clumsy, confused).

----

When I got home, I read an email.

Now I am knitting.

Here Is Kerker Man

2011-09-29T10:38:00.001-07:00

Mabe sent me an email with a nice quote...

"If we really want to know God, we will seek Him. As we start to enjoy His divine companionship, experience His peace, and trust His direction, we will crave more of Him in every area of our lives. We will come to a place where He will ask us what we want, and we will simply say, "you, Lord--not your blessings, not what you can do for us--only You."

YES, LORD!

I wanna walk your ways, swim your seas, etc.

I just heard a lyric in the song I'm listening to... something like... "The window is always open/Because the glass is always broken". I like that.

Today, I am cleaning my room. And laundry. And paying rent. And taking a walk. And working, tonight. And buying lavender lipstick. MAYBE. If I deserve a reward.

Lord,
If anyone needs something that I can provide, help them get to me today.
If it's cigarettes and they're young, help them bring their ID with them.
Help me to pray as much as possible.
Thank you for this day, this house, my roommates and family etc.
Thank you for this body and this name, Kaitlin Trott.
I love you so much and I want you to know, and I want everyone to know.
Loveamen.

----

Edit to add: I somehow lost my Bible. So I was reading from 1 Peter, out of the Bible that I got as a "gift" (reward?) after my baptism in Korea - and since I was just thinking about the 2012 election, I thought this was really gu:

Be subject for the Lord's sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him... ...Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the unjust. For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly.

People generally seem to feel that taxes and plans and heathcare and education etc. etc. are venues for suffering (mostly financially) unjustly. I like this "go with it" vibe. Ver. chill. Ver. gracious.

4 LEGS

2011-09-27T10:49:00.002-07:00

Was just looking at a pair of new shoes, thinking "what can I wear with those....".

Then, had a feeling of proud inspiration - until I realized that I was just thinking of another pair of shoes.

When we collide, we come together
If we don't, we'll always be apart
I'll take a bruise, I know you're worth it
When you hit me, hit me hard

You wanna sell me something?

2011-09-26T11:44:00.000-07:00

Talked to Jenny abou'dees yesterday:

A misconception I have of God is that... he ONLY does surprises. You know how people are constantly like "I had it in my mind that I wanted A to happen, but God provided B and it turned out to be way better!"...? I feel like every time I'm in conversation with a Christian that happens at least four or five times. And I get that it's like, God teaches us to be trusting using such methods. Also that it's like, he's in charge and we're not.

My problem is that... as soon as I conceptualize something that I'd like to have happen, I have this instant reaction to myself of "DANG! NOW THAT I'VE THOUGHT OF IT, IT CAN NEVER HAPPEN!" In my worldview or whatever, there doesn't seem to be a lot of room for "hoping for specific things".

Sometimes it doesn't bother me, but lately, as I have been praying, and praying for specific things, I have been feeling... really frustrated!! I feel almost frantic for God to really hear me, hear me well, listen to the details of what I have to say... but why!? Why do I feel that way?? It's like I imagine as soon as I start asking for A, as soon as I mention it, he goes busily to work putting B into action. Or like he has to prove to me that he knows better than I do? It makes me feel so tired and angry. Like..... for once, God, just listen to me. PLEASE. No like, tricks.

But before what I want... humble me more, show me more about how you are... forgive me for my rigidity and brittleness. Forgive me for my double-mind and fickle heartfeels. If B is what you want, make my life a hive o' dat. I LOVE YOU.

----

Other than that, there doesn't seem to be very much to report.

My fingernails are each painted a different color, and I like the effect. I look forward to being done with OP so that I can grow the nails a bit, and keep them nicely filed. Right now they look ver. gnar. My hands and arms in general are covered in scratches and burns.

I have a new tattoo idea. There is maybe... a 75% chance I will get this tattoo. It seems like a winner. I will think about it for a while though. (Then I'll get it.) It's simple and well within my aesthetic... aeee.

Witch Curse

2011-09-24T01:04:00.001-07:00

Watta dey! I have been hexed by a witch. Here's the story:

A young woman (~30 years old, pretty large) and her mom (~55 years old, also large) (dunno why "large" is important - I guess I just remember it because the girl was using her belly as a ledge for her small dog to stand on) came through my line, and in the middle of the order the girl asked for some smokes. I asked for her ID, and she said she didn't have it ("I never get carded here"). We have to card under 40, and she was definitely that, so I said "I'm sorry...[etc.]". Her mom said "just card me for them" and I said "I can't do that, sorry, I have to have IDs from everyone in the group who might smoke the cigarettes".

Then she goes, "are you serious?". I'm like, "yeah". She's like (full volume, to my face, seriously) "you bleach-blonde little ****" and then tries to engage one of my other coworkers, asking if he would card her if he were me, and he says "sorry, we don't make the rules - but don't get upset at her (me)." She then turns to me and points to a big wiccan tattoo on her leg and goes "YOU SEE THIS??? [oh lady I am seein' er'thing righ now] YOUR LIFE IS ABOUT TO GET REALLY ****ED UP."

I proceeded to make a """""sad""""" face and ring up the rest of their 500000 gallons of milk. Mom continued to say things a la "oooh man, it's your life - you really ****ed up this time."

But they did pay (for the milks).

People are wild! Afterwards I realized that my feelings were a little bit hurt, and I did feel sort of threatened, which is a weird feeling to have (for me). Like, if she really believes she has the power to eff up my life, why would she even talk like that? Would she really do it? Over that? Oh well. It also just feels bad to like, know that I caused someone else to become so upset. I don't like, hate smokers or wiccans or BBWs or anything.

Later, I laughed outloud because I imagined what if she had two tattoos, and pointed to the wrong one, and it was a tattoo of Marvin the Martian.

-----

Also, and this was going to be my "main story" from work before that all happened: two older ladies came in to buy a few things. Their total was something like $4.58, and so the one who was paying gave me four 1's, and then said "I think I have exact change..." and brought out a gallon (GALLON!) sized freezer bag, full of change. I said said "wow!" and her friend laughed and said "she loves that bag!". The woman of change looked at me and whispered "...it's my fetish".

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I got hysterical. What is being said? What does it mean? To what does it apply? How much money is in there, even? Aeee??!!

----

Nau I am in Hboro. Floyd II is here. I assume J + A are here as well, but sleeping. Life is so good, God is so good.

Lovelove!

"Goodbye Mr. Ships" starring Jenny Applegate as Capt. Boatfear

2011-09-22T23:56:00.000-07:00

Dea Daiawee,

I just got back from Celerymart. Closing tonight was a little more of a chore than usual because five minutes before the doors got locked, a group of 50+ teens from California came in and laid waste to the "Portland" t-shirt display (that moments earlier I had put in immaculate order).

Notable also:

- The "Employee Of The Month Announcement Pot Luck" was today. There were chips and dunots and some spaghetti and some chili and I brought kale salad. It was very popular with the "higher ups" and also with "me".

- I took a fig to one of my bosses because he said, quote, "what IS a fig?". He was extremely excited by this and when he tasted it he said "it's more like a vegetable..."

- Casey from church came in, and it was surprise. I felt like I'd been caught in some sort of double life.

- I put in my two-week notice at OP. Alex said "****, Kait! ***** ****** **** ****!" I couldn't tell if he meant he was going to miss me, or if he was just upset about having to hire someone else.

- Japplemouth got a new car. It suits.

- Portland Public Schools has officially hired me and I am "in the system".

- James and I went out to lunch this afternoon. It was really nice. Something I thought the other night was that it's sort of a blessing that James and I are both single, because it has allowed us to spend a lot of quality time together, as "family", that we probably wouldn't get otherwise.

- After lunch, I went for a walk (exercise?) through the neighborhood north of Killingsworth. I found an amazing park full of roses and ft. a massive fountain. I was in awe of this. I also made my way through the PCC campus and stopped in at the little art gallery to see what was going on there. Nothing of interest, unfortunately! While I was there, a man came in and started being really loud, like humming and whistling etc. etc. then he said "HUH." and left quickly.

- While I walked back home I thought about how God has been working in my life recently. I am learning a lot about not trying to plan my own future. I was specifically thinking about my jobs... things like, the fact that they hired someone else at Celerymart the first time I interviewed because I wanted full time and they didn't have that many hours free. Two months later I get a call that they want to hire me and can I come in the next day. Same with PPS - I heard nothing from them for months and then suddenly had an orientation with about 18 hours notice. The other crazy thing about this is that I wasn't even really looking for a job anymore. I don't know why I thought I could pay all my bills with just the money I made at OP... but God was looking out for me even while I wasn't. I'm so thankful for that! So much care!

- Also he has protected me from many things.

- Also he has somehow been sustaining me through this month of working 7 days a week, sometimes 16 hours a day. I never thought I was capable of this. I probably... never was.

- Also I've been learning about making (and keeping!!) a schedule, and valuing the "small change" of time spans (i.e. 30 minutes, 2 hours, etc.).

- Prayer... something I've told a few people recently is that I am having trouble feeling "okay" with praying for things that I just... want. It feels right to pray about things like, please make me kinder and more honest. It does not seem okay to pray about things like please make my dreams come true and please make certain things happen that seem like they would be awesome to me. But people have been saying... just ask, you know, God's your father and he loves you. And no one knows better than I do what it's like to have a generous father. It just seems difficult.

- Red theme: I wore my red tights to work and got many compliments on them. Still not as many as I get on my red glasses frames. I am excited for the winter so I can wear my enormous, red, 100% muppet-skin coat.

- I have a new favorite coffee shop. It's called "Reflections" I think, and it's two blocks from our house. It seems to be the local hangout for elderly black gentlemen who like to loudly (and somewhat incoherently) discuss politics. My people! The other funny thing of this place is that I ordered an Americano, and instead of getting an Americano, I got a pulled shot in its little metal cup, a small carafe of hot water, and an empty mug. DIY, my baby! DIY! It was difficult to carry these three items to the table because I was also holding a notebook, a receipt, a wallet, and sunglasses. Many of these additional items became wet in the process.

- I want to go there every day.

literally real talk

2011-09-22T01:54:00.000-07:00

Joel: Do you like... feel like since you got back from Korea you've sort of like, gotten more talkative or like outspoken?

Me: I guess I feel like I'm just, you know, getting older and chilling out and being more outgoing just because I'm less self conscious - why?

Joel: You've been annoying me way more, recently.

Kad Jest Triend

2011-09-20T16:13:00.000-07:00

I only wanna say things that are pure

Now I won't be talking anymore

I only wanna do things that are true

Every time I move I'm hurting you

The Stone and The Timber

2011-09-18T13:38:00.001-07:00

What would we do without you?

I am freshly home from church. For the first time in weeks I went solo - James had other plans and Jon didn't come into town. I sat with some girls I've gotten to know a little bit, and after the service instead of rushing off immediately, I made an effort to have conversations and meet people. It was nice and I think I achieved both.

Two interesting thoughts from the sermon:

- The idea of our identity sort of being tied up in what [we think] will keep us safe/secure.

- The idea of "you" being different from "your life"...

----

Last night I went to a non-piano concert with Elisa at a piano store in SE Portland. The bands were alright, and it was fun to go out, but the best part was just talking to Elisa about God and prayer etc. etc. She's moving at the end of the month and it bums me out! Dang!

After that, I was driving home and I got a text from Joel that said his band (Weird Fear) was playing at Katie O'Briens. Since it was on my way home, I went. It was one of their best shows yet! So good! A coworker of mine from OP was there, and she said "it's great to see you wearing... not black!". Yessss...

I think I have tomorrow morning off, with no plans. ...I hope.

----

Sensations now:

- ~~Hungry~~ (but just ate, so-)
- False-hunger
- Impatience (regarding...)
- Curiosity (regarding same)
- Reluctance (to go to work)
- Tired (but...)
- Wired
- Thankhopefulness

17 bala dala for this minky beater

2011-09-16T00:11:00.001-07:00

When I left work today, I shouted "반갑습니다*!!"

Then I laughed. I meant to say "수고하세요**".

Didn't seem to make no difference to my Celeryzone coworkers. Even if I'd said the phrases in English I don't think it would've.

*"Nice to meet you".
**"Keep up the good work" or more literally, just "work hard".

-----

James, the other day, was really excited about something I picked up in a store. He made this sound like "Goolgoolgoolgoolgoolgoolgool!" like a walrus (I can literally only imagine). He meant to just say "cool" in an excited way, but he like, choked on it. Them. There were like ten.

Anyway, it was really funny to me, and I keep having situations at work where a customer will make a nice purchase or be wearing a nice bead or lace or something item, and I want to say goolgoolgoolgoolgool. Then when I think about the customer's possible reaction, on top of just remembering goolgool, I laugh out loud. Oops! I do that a lot.

-----

Alessand and I spent a lot of time together this morning. My favorite part was when we made up two new words:

Minky - this word just means like, crazy or weirder than usual. i.e. Mabe's minky brain. i.e. don't take that minky tone with me. i.e. minky drink. i.e.:

Alex: sing me a minky song!
Me: [low vibrato] iiiiiiiiiiit's begiiiinnnniiiinnngggg toooo loooook a loooooot liiiike Chriiiiisstttmmaaa-
Alex: STOP. I TURN YOU OFF.

Bala Dala - this means $5. So, $20 is 4 bala dala. HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Love it. God is good. The weather today was so nice and cool and fresh, it made me feel like somehow I was "cool" and "fresh" by proxy.

Lovely

2011-09-15T00:46:00.002-07:00

This song has been stuck in my hea....rt all day. "Looking for a moment that'll never happen/Living in the gap between past and future" ...sometimes I feel that way. Maybe I feel that way right now.

Tomorrow is Alex's birthday. She'll be 22. I work in the eve so I'm going to go out there in the morning (w/ voodoo doonoots in tow) and do something fun with her and eat some lunch or something. I'm excited.

This afternoon I went on a one-hour walk around the neighborhood. For exercise, mostly. I came across many free boxes, and acquired one (1) sweater and one (1) weird scarf or possible table runner, to use to patch up one of the skirts from the free box I plundered a while back. When that will happen is sort of up in the air since I have zero (1) (HA HA! - 0!) minutes free on any given day.

Other:

- I'm putting in my two weeks at OP on Monday.

- I'm going to use my "lovely woman" voice to tell Alex.

- Jenny Applgt and I trysted this morning.

- I accidentally walked out of Macy's today without paying for something! I was distracted by many things.

- Including a free "foundation" sample from Estee Lauder (or whoever).

- Including buying a "gift card".

- Including Jenny making a phone call and then going out of my line of sight and a feeling that I had "lost" her.

- Including Chris Schepman texting me about giving me a good job recommendation.

- Tomorrow I'll go back and purchase it.

- I need to start tithing. Desperately. I keep "forgetting".

- I keep "forgetting" to part with money.

- Jon got engaged this week.

- I feel pathetic for not being married. I feel tired of wanting to be married.

- And I feel happy for Jon, and excited for his wedding.

If Kate Bush isn't your jam and just can't ever be, try the Nada Surf vers. It's even more aaahhhh:

And just you wait and seeSomeone will come to help you

Polenta Recipe

2011-09-14T01:12:00.001-07:00

1. Barv

Serves 2

Done Be'd At Churge

2011-09-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

My walls are high
So start climbing - don't fall
You might never understand me at all

Church. Today I was very excited and happy to be there. As I tend to be. Something I realized this morning is that maybe a lot of the giddy enthusiasm I feel is from the coffee I drink before the service (the only regular coffee I drink during the week). Ha ha! Am I like a person from one of those crazy churches that drop acid and then "trip on God" or whatever? What is that stuff they drink to have visions? Or just alcohol? I don't know much about those things, but it seems I know more than I originally thought. Ha ha!

The sermon was on:

James 4:13-16ish (maybe 17):

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit" - yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "if the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that."

Two things that Pat said were really interesting to me.

1. When he touched on the part about how "you are a mist..." I started thinking about how... there have been fleeting periods of time in my life, like college, or high school, or Korea, etc. And I thought about how... when I look back on those times, I sometimes think, "I wish I could go back, and be bolder, and be more friendly, more confident - I wish I could have taken better advantage of friendships, opportunities to grow, opportunities to learn, to do well, to speak up..." ...and I thought about how that's sort of an example of our whole lives, actually. Who knows in what capacity we will remember or think or talk about our lives after we die, but... I don't know. The whole thing just made me feel like it would be good to... take risks, and be those things I want to be. Do the good. Et cetera. Life is short.

2. This second thought really got me stoked. Pat was talking about "the Lord" and "the Lord's will" and "the Lord's knowledge" - and on that last point, he talked something like this: It's not that God has "seen the movie" and "knows how it's going to end". It's not like God has a cheat sheet and can see what's going to happen in our lives or in the duration of creation or what have you. That's not the "knowledge" that he has. God's knowledge is a deep and perfect knowledge of how things work. He knows every minute detail of every part of every thing and person. He has a perfect knowledge of processes and patterns and un-patterns. That is a better way to talk about his omniscience, than to say just that "God already knows" what will happen. He does know, but it's not just because there's a script and we're all following it. It's because he can perfectly see everything that is, and he can perfectly see what will come from what is. It's so much more intimate and... amazing... God is the power, is the glory. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!!

It's easier to believe that God has just set things up, 1-2-3, and watches them happen. It's more difficult to think.... he cultivates 1, 2, 3 as they come, never making/allowing a mistake, never "guessing" wrong or over/under-estimating any- thing or one. Never forgetting to take something into account, never wrong. NEVER WRONG. My ability to predict my future based on my knowledge of situations and people I'm experiencing "now" is probably 0.05% successful.

Jon afterwards said, "that was a pretty Calvinistic sermon" and I was surprised, because to me it sort of flew in the face of predestination etc. etc. Or at least, the canned, pre-processed, heat-to-believe predestination that I learned in sunnae skoo.

Pat also touched briefly on Jesus' prayer in the garden, "not my will, but your will..." Jesus didn't want to suffer and die. It makes me think about the martyrs who sort of, like, wanted to be martyred or whatever, or like, put themselves in harms way intentionally... Jesus didn't even like.... do that. Get over yourself.

" ...and though I give my body to be
burned, and have not Love, it profiteth me nothing"

After church James and Jon [L.] and myself went to eat some 'za at Old Town. We saw an article in the Portland Mercury about the Mars Hill plant that's come to town. If you don' kno - MH is a big church in Seattle with a really out-spoken and conservative pastor named Mark (Marc?) Driscoll (one L?). Portland people are sort of up in arms about it because they planted the church in an area "with a lot of gays and lesbians" (so just... in Portland? in the world? what?) and MH is very out-spoken re: their stance on that scene. I actually like some of what Driscoll has to say, because... within the body of Christ, a lot of the lines he tows in regards to relationships, marriage, respect, hard work, etc. rings true to me. But more and more (probably because of the Portland plant) I have been hearing things that make it sound like he's sort of just stirring the pot and... well. I don't know. It reminded me of Oswald Chambers' third "Don't" of "choosing a text [for a sermon]":

Don't be Controversial
Never choose disputed text; if you do, you are sure to cut yourself. The spirit that chooses disputed texts is the boldness born of impudence, not the fearlessness born of morality. Remember, God calls us to proclaim the Gospel. A man may increase his intellectual vim by controversy, but only one in a thousand can maintain his spiritual life and controvert. Never denounce a thing about which you know nothing.

Dude, yeah. What does he even know. Where's the love [gospel]??

------

I'm thinking... is Christianity a path to avoid something bad, or is it a path to attain something good? Technically I guess it's both, but I think it's more the latter... because the "something bad" is simply... missing out on the "something good". Oh, my God! You are so good! You're the best! Amen amen amen amen amen!

Amazing love! How can it be?
That thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

The Dayso Fair

2011-09-10T23:46:00.001-07:00

Deez moneen - family portrait session with family. Looks as though my head is still big and made entirely of soft dough. But... they are actually good pictures. I hope I can "blog" one soon. You will want to have your printers ready and set to "1000 copies" to take advantage of the occasion.

On the way home, there was a green car in front of me with several dogs inside, and I think one person. Maybe. It was sort of... going off to the side, almost in the other lane, and then it was sort of, not going, or going very slow. So I did a first. Just today, my very first honking at another car. First I did "beep", then I did "BEEP ----- BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP". Then I changed lanes and passed in a powerful manner. I got such an adrenaline rush from the whole thing. Didn't expect that at all.

Then I stopped at a free pile, and while I was "looking into it" I felt the sensation of stepping into something very soft. I feared the worst, but it was... a cupcake.

Out loud I said, "NO DOUBT!" which was somehow ver. funny at the time.

I'll write more after work.

----pause for work----

Nothing happened. Lovelove!

*edit, add: In the free pile from before, I got a t-shirt and like literally 1.75 skirts (There be strips cut out & removed. I feel I may be able to salvage one or both). I left them in the SOH** over night because somehow in my mind "if they have bedbugs that will solve the problem".

*edit, add: something that did happen at work is that two separate people complimented my hair color. "So creamy and buttery, did you do it yourself?" Girl! You know I did! The other one said "I want that hair color, but I think I'm too tan - it just looks SO GREAT on you!" And whitely so! ....AHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

*Arizona tea is on sale for 49c per one. Gonna... take this slow.

** I decided to call the Audi the K.T.S. Spirit Of Hillsboro.

2011-09-09T00:25:00.004-07:00

I love the grainy resolution of the camera in this computer. I also love that hat. What do you think of it? Before you ask, yes - it's too small.

Speaking of computers, I recently turned on the old computer, the strobing one from 1492 (Columbus' computer in fact). It only lasted about 12 seconds before it was flickerflickerflickerflickering. There's some gu "media" on there I wanna 'trieve. Wad I gon du??? It may be too late. Ah, well. Dust to dust!!

-----

There are many kinds of people that come into Celerymart. Today I saw:

- Woman covered in warts from head to toe.

- Woman covered in scars, says "I have cancer".

- Young man in wheelchair that he controls with something he manipulates in his mouth.

- Girl my age, 4x my weight.

- Just, people without teeth, or who would be better off w/o the teeth they've got.

I feel like, I don't want them to see me. Do they think "this girl looks so healthy and normal, she has it so much better than I do"? Or... am I the one thinking that???? I feel so emotionally inadequate for some of these encounters. Or not even "emotionally" - I just feel inadequate in general. I feel as though I have never suffered in my entire life.

Lord, what do you want me to think? Please help me to understand that you love other people, and not just me. Please help me to be wise in love, to know what it means, and to grow in it and apply it liberally. And to see... to sort the real from the fake, and the Yours from the.... fake. Please redeem everyone and everything as soon as possible. I love you. Amen.

Monin' Montague

2011-09-08T09:32:00.001-07:00

It's not really my number. It's Bei Maejor's. I did sign him up for a Walgreen's Rewards Card, though. Feel free to yiz-use.

*Read "is that an order" and thought "is that an hors d'oeuvre?" and laughed. Also - is it!?

Unpublished Blogposts, Published

2011-09-08T00:48:00.002-07:00

9/28/2010

Three words I use shamelessly to get male attention:

1. Zerg

2. Protoss

3. Terran

Like flies to honey, my friend!

----

9/26/2010

I know it's ridiculous to write about the weather, but I am just AMAZED at how much it impacts my mood. Lately it's been cool and crisp, and I literally feel like God is giving me some sort of first place award. I can't imagine anyone in this entire city is appreciating it more than I am (even though everyone's talking about it!)

----

9/14/2010

Sometimes I scare myself. Like when I am looking out the window in the evening and I think "wow, I can almost see my neighbor..." and then I think "I should jump out the window!" and I feel a slight magnetic pull. What is THAT all about?!

----

9/14/2010

My IP kids were cracking me up this afternoon while they read "Beauty and the Beast (pronounced BIST)" in drama. Sometimes they are so clever and funny. I don't know much about children, so my premonitions about their capabilities are constantly being proven wrong. To me, in my mind, when I picture a six year old, I see someone who can barely feed themselves and who has a vocabulary of about 50 words. Which is funny because then when I think of an eight year old, I picture a person writing two page essays for school and hanging out in the mall on the weekends with their pals.

----

9/6/2010

My exBFs' surnames put them in one of two categories: German, or Civil War.

There. The bounty of today's productive thought.

----

8/10/2010

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
The short answer is no. (The long answer is noooooo.)

Are you better looking than you were ten years ago?

When I was 15 I wore one of two enormous Boba Fett t-shirts, cargo shorts, and a blue fisherman's hat, with mismatched socks and Vans that were about 5 sizes too big (intentionally). I had a pageboy haircut and girls would occasionally misidentify my gender and have crushes on me.

Do you care about spending money if it's someone else's money?
What? I don't even understand what this means. Was there a question before this about stealing other people's money that I forgot to answer?

If you could spend a week in a fictional world, which one would you choose and why?
The world in Dabe's head. I am way awesomer there.

----

8/1/2010

I know what you need - a slug of bourbon

from a RICH millionaire.

"Sorry I'm not brighter"

----

5/28/2010

I think Afternoon Preschool is a military.

----

5/18/2010

Da Won

Oh, my little Da Won!!! He is TOO FUNNY! He's the one who freaked me out today, and who once told me I looked like a baby... an ugly baby. My other favorite thing that he does is when he's tired (which is always!) he writes "Today's Feel: I'm tired." all over his workbook pages. All the girls are in love with him and I finally had to declare a new Fornax Class Rule: no kissing and no couples! Then I said "and no vampire play!" and they all said "waaaaah!!" and I said "just kidding, you can do vampire play!" and Da Won said "THANK YOU TEACHER!!!!" Today's Feel: Da Won is awesome!

----

4/22/2010

I need some PERSONAL TIME.

----

4/19/2010

Today I emotionally scarred all my IP kids by trying to introduce them to the Portland Trail Blazers. When I logged on to the Blazies website (there's a projector system in my classroom - fancy!), the first thing that popped up was a video clip of topless Greg Oden. HELLO! Gigantic half-naked black men are the last thing that a 7-year-old Korean child wants to see. I will cherish that classroom memory forever.

----

3/10/2010

I wore my Martha Stewart pin to work today, and my kids asked me if it was a picture of my mom. I said no, and so they asked me if it was a picture of my dad. Ha ha!

----

11/06/2009

Words in a book's title and the number of tears those words indicate the book will bore you to:

1. Creek. One million billion tears.
2. Candidate. Seven thousand tears.
3. Savvy. A jillion tears.
4. Tale. All the tears.
5. Lonely. 400000000 tears.
6. Mountain. Six hundred thousand million tears.
7. Country. More than enough tears.

----

There's a reason I never posted these... I have... a feeling.

Sister Kiss-tian

2011-09-07T14:56:00.000-07:00

Man of Sorrows!

What a name

Holy----------------bvvv!!!! I just got an email about job #3, para-educating (first typed "papa-educating") the children of Portland as a sub (the job, after teaching in Korea, I get the most "I have a friend... ...who does that!"s). It says: Blah blah congratulations, your "welcome session" is scheduled for Thursday, September 8. That's tomorrow?! I imagined God pretending to shoot at my feet with a pistol shaped hand going "dance Kaitlin dance!" and smiling. It made me laugh. And dance.

Dunno what's going to happen with that. Supposedly I need to have $80+ (for fingertouchmarks) and about 5 forms "printed and filled out" before I get there. I wonder.... printer... lack of one....

Should I do this job? Should I quit washing dishes? Should I balance 3 jobs and still make less than $13k/year? Should I drop everything and move to Coos Bay!??!?!!?!?

----

This morning I went grocery shopping. When I got back, I employed the scientific method to my lunch.

Hypothesis: one can make boxed macaroni & chee more healthy but with similarly pleasing results by subbing the pasta noodles with broccoli.

Experiment: cut broccoli to small pieces, steamed broccoli, added butter and cheese powder, stirred, added ketchup & black pepper, consumed.

Findings & Evaluation: this was very disgusting. I think the worst part was not the taste, but just the shame of "what have I done", "why did I do this". Also, I was using "Italian Chef" brand mac&chee, which I found (5 boxes of) in a free box along Alberta St. last week. Food bank rejects no doubt. I made one box normally and it was no Kraft, let me tell you. I think this had a large effect. Also I didn't add milk. Oh, I just botched the whole thing, now that I think about it. Sigh!

Grocery shopping is a funny thing because I go in knowing that I'm just going to buy a bunch of produce and maybe some plain yogurt. But the entire time I'm there there's a little voice in my head going "chips, chips, chips, chips, chips, chips, chips, chips, chips, chips...."

----

Just spent 10 minutes watching "Goodbye Mr. Chips" videos on YouTube. Dang.

Ha ha ha ha! LIFE IS GU!!!

Define Labor

2011-09-06T01:52:00.002-07:00

Is it ironic that I worked for 16 hours on Labor Day, or is it ironic that everyone else "had it off"?

Notes:

- Saga coworker from Whitworth came into Celerystore with his "wife" (probably). I don't think he recognized me and I didn't say anything as I rang up their purchases. Ha ha! Is it just me or like, are people my age already getting "fat and bald and old" or whatever???

- Customer: "Have you seen Sucker Punch? I just watched it. You look just like the main character."

- Celerystore coworker B and asst. manager Mr. O expressed dissatisfaction to me about their (our!) jobs. It made me wonder how I can be a better coworker, and make them love working there. Like I do! Maybe we can start an after-work LARP guild. Almost everyone that works in the store would be extremely interested in that, I get the sense.

- Experienced unprecedented torpor while washing dishes this evening at OP. My mind was all blaaaaaaah and my body was obeying that singular command. A huge party came in at the end of the night. Their total bill was $1200. It took me like 30 extra minutes to get all the dishes done. I felt bad for Alex. I think... he felt bad for me, too. I told Joel, "I think I might start crying..." he said "why??" I said "look at how much silverware there is to do."

- Tomorrow, Joel is in charge of closing the restaurant, so it'll jes be him and me. That will be comfortable. I'll go as slow as I like!!

When I sat down to write this, I thought it would be more interesting than it turned out. I guess it was just one of those daze.

Lovelove.

Pre-Post

2011-09-04T13:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Fatherlord,

Lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove!!!!

Love,
KJT
Amen

----

Church this morning, excellent as ever, feel full, feel filled. Met a woman who is the director of a gallery, she gave me her card and invited me to come see. Drank coffee after, chatted, tried not to eat donuts (now called "dunots" by me). Went to mexican lunch with James and Jon, not the "best mexican food ever" as James was told. Came home, emailed above woman about above gallery. Feeling excellent, just, in love with God forever.

----

Last night Joel told me some.... some real "WTF" label news. It's difficult sometimes, to try to balance showing care ("I want the best for you...") with showing truth (...seems like you might not."). The truth feels like

How

Could

You.

...that heavily. And I guess that's not capital T The, capital T Truth. That's just the true way... that I feel. I wonder what it would feel like to not constantly be projecting my own values and ideas onto other people. (Are there people out there thinking, I wonder what it would feel like not to be craving heroin every second of every day? Because I know what that feels like - it feels like nothing. Because there is nothing there. For me.)

----

I found just now a note that I wrote to myself at work about one of the customers that came in. She was a middle-aged lady, sort of on the weightier side. She was wearing lots of makeup and her short hair was like, curled into a crazy afro... it looked like she had been electrocuted, actually. She generally seemed to have been electrocuted. She was being really scatter-brained and stuff. At one point she opened her wallet and I saw that in her ID photo she looked perfectly normal. Well groomed, calm smile, smooth hair. Then at the end of her transaction she said something like "okay wait, so did you.... did I buy.... I... OH, I'M JUST CRAZY. I'M SORRY. I HAD A CONCUSSION."

The interaction left me feeling a little bit sick. Sad-sick. Sick enough to barv those words "How Could You" on God.

I don't even really have any conclusions for this. It's just what happened and how I felt. I also wrote on the note: you know how like it would actually be really terrible and horrifying to be able to communicate with domesticated animals? Seemed related somehow at the time. Like parrots in cages just saying "help me, help me! help me to escape!" but knowing you just can't or it'll die cuz what du it know about survival.

From the gospel (Matthew) lesson today:

Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him?

PRAY PRAY PRAY. I want God to be like "guys (angels I guess) listen to these prayers by Kaitlin they are soooo enjoyable". And then when I get there he will say "well done, my good and faithful servant".

FURTHERMORE!!!!

2011-09-03T23:04:00.003-07:00

...I told Joel I would get a beer with him when he's off work. That should be soon. If I don't do something before then, though, I will fall asleep. I just cleaned my room (the door looks further away from my bed than it does when there's a bridge of my various gear strewn across the carpet), so there's nothing to do but blog.

Thinking:

- My calves are so big around I can barely believe it. I try to stretch them out to make them look slender... ...ha ha ha ha!

- I cleaned my room. Oh, I said that already. How did I forget that in less than 2 minutes?

- Let's talk about Arizona Tea. You know what I'm talking about - those like, taller-than-tallboy cans of iced tea, or arnold palmer? To me, when I see a person carrying/drinking one of these, I see the can as an extension of their person, much more than just a beverage or even just an accessory, it's like, part of their identity. I don't know exactly how I perceive the Arizona Tea drinker, but I definitely put them all in the same group in my mind. Today at work, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I bought a can of Arizona Diet Green Tea With Ginseng. I drank from it on all three of my breaks and I still had half a can to bring home. And I am drinking it now. I don't know if I am ready to become an Arizona Tea person. I wonder what that would even mean. But I will tell you this: the heft of the can is very pleasing and even though the tea is very sweet it tastes very good. I like the idea of someone seeing me holding it. It seems very casual like a cigarette maybe, I can only imagine.

Things to be seen drinking, good for my image:

- Anything out of the Satellite mug
- Arizona Iced Tea
- Unmarked americano, iced or hot
- Gin (& tonic or not)
- Diet Rite
- Red wine (esp. out of Satellite mug)

Things same, good for opposite:

- Milk, esp. whole or 2%, ESP. out of single serving carton
- Non-diet soda, esp. modern manifestations i.e. Mountain Dew Code Red (mystery: diet MDCR seems fine - hilariously good, even)
- Vitamin Water, esp. one being slowly "nursed" (when you see someone carrying a bottle of VW around and it's half empty, you know it's at least 2 hours old and getting warmer by the minute)
- Starbucks (fine to drink, really... but to be seen with it, might as well be wearing "cute" t-shirt from Old Navy and "falsies" (of anything, you name it) as well) (I don't even have to add: esp. anything "w/ whip")
- White wine (Shriii- Shriiiiimp!!)

...They must have had a really rough night tonight. It's... oh, just kidding. I've got at least half an hour longer to wait.

Oh yes, I am enjoying this bev ver. much. SHINY THE EYE!

Wedonaahfenaaatodaa!

2011-09-03T20:39:00.001-07:00

I worked @ Celeryfarm (more like Celerypharm!) from 9am to 5:15pm. It was honestly very wonderful. Talked to some interesting people, sold some interesting merchandise. Etc. I made only one customer angry (sorry lady) and I think otherwise people saw me either as good or neutral.

At one point during a lull I was standing behind the register thinking, "what... would I do... if **** walked in the door... right... now..." and I went into a reverie of scenarios. I had to stop myself. And then I thought... "what if Jesus walked in the door, instead." I felt less excited. Which made me feel...

...repentant...

I am still reading in DW about prayer. He's going through the Lord's Prayer, now, and he is making a lot of good points. Like:

- Don't ask today for what you need tomorrow, because if you get it today, a) you might lose it before tomorrow, b) tomorrow might not come.

- God :: your father as your child self :: your biological father.

----

Shann Ray, or a very friendly Shann Ray impersonator, left a comment on my post about his book of short stories. It made me think... I'm glad I didn't say anything unkind. A good REMINDER! to say nice things about people & their things/ways, to their face or otherwise. I should see the world as: there is a little bit of good in everything because at worst, God is allowing it. Find the good, say the good, think of the good. I must remember.

----

Bvvvvv.... GGGHHHHHHHSSSSSSHHHHH...... Bvvv vvvvvv...!!

The South Shall Rise Again

2011-09-03T00:08:00.004-07:00

The hotel room itself was worse, some sort of misunderstanding between human and machine, a mistake about the meaning of the word "clean." A "fresh" smell like poison gas, or a scent intended to lure and trap and kill. Or about the meaning of the word "convenient," contraptions bolted into walls and tables as if built by an alien tribe based on descriptions read from dictionaries - lamp, remote, pencil cup - so that it looked like a reconstruction by someone who had never seen the original.

From Vacation by Deb Olin Unferth

----

Today I got a good hat at the thrift store. And I got a good lipstick at a non-thrift store. I'll wear one to work tomorrow. Guess which. (If you could see the hat it would be an easy guess!!)

I got to spend more time with Floyd 2 and Mabe and Alex. It was a great day. I drove us around and Mabe only said "what are you doing?!" once. Amazing! We ate sushi and frozen yogurt and went shopping.

In the morning hours and early afternoon, M&A were away doing something re: Alex's life so I bummed around the plantation and:

- Listened to the songs from yesterday's blog about 600x each, feeling very nostalgic even though I heard both of those songs for the first time two days ago.

- Tried to play There Is A Fountain Filled With Blood on the piano. Semi-success.

- Drank some decaf coffee.

- Read from Dallas Willard's The Divine Conspiracy. Read about casting pearls before swine and about not feeling superior to other people and about "treasure" and "treasuring". Also read about prayer, and praying for what you want, and how what you want will encompass more of what God also wants the more you pray. It inspired me to pray frenetically about almost anything that came into my head for the next three hours or so.

----

I thought I wasn't feeling tired, but now I am.

Somehow... I'm looking really forward to working tomorrow morning. It'd be nice if that feeling would last the night.

Love to you!

batteries = new? working?

2011-09-02T00:33:00.001-07:00

I wanted to write a blog post but the wireless keyboard is being unresponsive. One letter every ten hours. I've been writing this post for three weeks so far.

I tried to change the badderies, but I don't know if it's helped or not.

I'm writing from Hillsboro. It's good to be here, and to be reminded that "wherever you go, thur u b" or whatever. I still feel just... made completely of loose ends. One big fray. K Fray T. I was driving home from Forest Grove this eve and I was praying, oh Lord I want this, or I want this, or I want your will, or I want this, or that... I just want, or actually, now that I've spent so much time thinking about it I'm tired and I don't even want anything anymore, I'm just done. But I still want your will. But I don't how to do. So you do. I'll watch. Maybe I'll sleep. I love you, I love you. Why give me injury, sickness, and PMS in one week? I love you. Amen.

But there is still joy, actually. That (above) sounds bleak and I don't mean it to. Life is half bleak, half joy. It would only be 25% bleak 'cept I threw up this week and that is a weighty matter.

Maybe part of the bleakness too is that I read [all of] the novel Vacation by Deb Olin Unferth this morning. I loved the way it was written - a lot. And I loved the first half especially because it involved a bit of a mystery. The last half went faster and was more boring. The ending was quite sad. When I get home tomorrow maybe I will post some excerpts.

Yesterday I read a book of short stories by Shann Ray called American Masculine (do you italicize the name of a SS collection like you do a novel?). Like Vacation, the characters in the stories in AM had a lot of problems. Especially relationship problems, and death-wish problems. But unlike Vacation, there was always a glimmer of hope or restoration or redemption. I was struck by this. Tis a rare vibe - at least in the reading I've been doing lately. I was even more surprised to find that some of the later stories in the collection had Bible verses in italics under the story titles. Then I realized [read the blurv on the back cover] that Shann Ray is a professor at Gonzaga U in Spokane W!

So I have been thinking about how I could never write a story about someone being completely hopeless, because... because I don't believe in that. Because I don't understand in that. Because I can't see how that could ever be, or what it would ever mean. I think maybe Shann Ray feels the same.

----

Alex got me a present while she was down the coast with Mabe. It's a necklace, and the charm is a "mood-sensitive" "K". IT IS MY MOST PRIZED POSSESSION!

----

I got a "Christian" CD at random from the Libe to listen to on the drive to Hillsboro. Turned out to be... like... xian thrash-core. I listened to it gladly and the trip felt like less than ten minutes. I wish I could discern the lyrics. If there are any!?

----

Mabe and I watched the 1922 documentary about Eskimos, "Nanook of the North". The documentary follows Nanook + clan as they travel around, brutally kill animals, eat said animals raw, trade said animals' skins to white men for "beads and brightly colored candies", try to control their feral sled wolves, and sleep in the nude. And I have to say it would have been a better experience if they had ended it with the information "Nanook died 2 years later of starvation" instead of intro-ing with it. The whole time all I could wonder was what his kids would do without him out there, stabbing seals in the face for their supper. Geesh. Nanook of the Grave.

It did remind me of Ernest Shackleton and his voyage &c. so I looked that up, and I guess Frank Hurley (the photographer who was on the crew) made a film called "South". Must see!

Must sleep!

Oh boyle oh boyle!

2011-09-01T09:07:00.001-07:00

Hoo wanna 'splain that I had a dream wurrin I met T.C. Boyle, when:

- I wasn't even sure when I woke up who T.C. Boyle was, though I slightly recognized the name.
- Had to Google to discover.
- Found out yes, he is an author.
- But no, I've never read anything by him.
- And I don't recognize the titles of his novels.
- Except The Tortilla Curtain. (EDIT*)
- And even that, I don't understand.

So should I like, get one of his books from the library, or?

In the dream, he was telling me that Harrison Ford sometimes comes to [where we were] for a late night aerobics class.

*I think I was thinking of "The House on Tortilla Street" which is actually The House on Mango Street, by S. Cisneros. Or possibly I was thinking of Tortilla Flat.

Would I go? Would I turn right back inside?

2011-09-01T01:04:00.001-07:00

Still I never left your side
Because it never did feel right

Work tonight was... bad. This whole week has been bad! What an ugly witch!

I have been reading Oswald Chambers' comments on the book of Job again. Timely. "Curse God and die" - that seems impossible. How bad would things have to be before I would actually curse God? Wow, I just never would. But sometimes the things I think and say and do are probably just as bad as intentionally cursing him with my mouth.

I should be less self-centered. There are other things going on in life, such as: James has started school. Mabe was offered a job. Dabe is in Montana. Alex lost two pounds (she called and she was very excited by this - like, she couldn't believe it).

I also lost two pounds this week - from barv'n it UP yesterday! Tonight at work I declined my "shift drink" and thought, maybe I should develop an eating disorder. I must be getting really really bored. Discontent. Knock it off.

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARV.

But tomorrow is a day off, and I'm going to get a haircut (for FREE) (not by my own hand, for once!). And I might go to Hillsboro. And I might go to the library. And I might spend some time reading. Oh, oh!! Hooray!

This song is called
All Is Holy
Because I want it to be true

Ich Ouch

2011-08-30T16:03:00.002-07:00

Before my alarm this morning I woke up feeling sick. Went to Celerytask anyway, barv'd there anyway. Come home, try to sleep but just have lucid visions of myself in stressful situations at work. I'm shaky and really weak. The idea of hefting racks of dishes around and getting facefuls of steam every 4 minutes = no. Called other job and said I can't. It's ok. All my bosses are kind.

I want to know:

- Food poisoning?

- Just plain poisoning?

- "Stomach flu"?

- Plague?

- Can you get sick from wearing really uncomfortable shoes for 5 hours?

Right now I am drinking the "grapefruit juice" so kindly provided by Jon at the hand of James. (Jon bought it, James brought it). My head feels swimmy and I look VERY UGLY. I tried to take a bath to break my fever but the water here doesn't get hot enough for that. C'est la vie. I die, I die...

I am thinking about how lucky I am to live in a culture where being sick means you CAN take the day off. No one's going to starve, no one's going to judge (except I imagine Joel will have words for me tomorrow). And I'm lucky for the Excedrin and I'm lucky for the juice. Thanks Lord for dose tings.

I'll be fine tomorrow.

2011-08-30T00:25:00.002-07:00

Today:

- Interview for job #3.

- Went well.

- Curious what will happen, if anything.

- Was called in to cover a sick-o at job #2.

- Didn't change out of interview outfit, including high-heels.

- First time wearing them.

- PROBABLY LAST TIME WEARING THEM.

- Hamburger feet.

- Extreme back pain.

- Came home and stared at one 10-line email for 45 minutes.

- Time for job #1.

- Busy.

- So, so tired.

- Prayed, but in a crazy way.

- Turned down rare steak.

- Moving towards vegetarian again.

- Listened to coworkers gossip.

- Started acting "angry".

- Slamming things, banging things, no eye-contact.

- Not to my knowledge actually angry.

- Tried to redeem the situation by using sweet voice to Alex and Joel.

- "May I have that key?"

- "Have a good night!"

- Walked to car and imagined.

- Scenario 1: I walk onto the set of Leverage.

- Scenario 2: I am mugged.

- Drove home.

- Sang songs to myself instead of listening to radio.

- Really embarrassingly bad.

- Blog.

- Blaaaag.

- Bedtime.

YL YL YYL

2011-08-28T11:43:00.003-07:00

E'er since by faith I saw the stream your flowing wounds supply

Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be 'till I die

James and Jon (L) & I just got back from church. I feel very excited and happy because the Lord is truly good and I know that he loves me.

It's funny that I wrote yesterday about feeling impatient and unsatisfied, because the "gospel lesson" this morning was from Matthew, the part... "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life..." - exactly what I needed to be reminded of.

Furthermore, the sermon was based on the last part of James 3, including:

For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.

I have been very, very jealous and my worries are predominantly based on selfish ambitions. I'm really thankful for these reminders. I do believe that God is in control and I want so badly for him to be my one focus in life. I know he will provide everything I need in the exact moment when I need it. I am totally free to spend each day thankful for what I have without fretting over what I'll need tomorrow. Er... what I'll want tomorrow... everything I need is mine already. Thank you, thank you!

One of the other things that Pat talked about was the difference between knowing something and experiencing it - he compared the "sweetness of the gospel" to the sweetness of honey. You can know that honey is sweet, and you can "confess" (say) that honey is sweet... but that is different from ingesting the honey and actually tasting how sweet it is. Same can be said of the gospel. Whoever you are reading this, just... know: there is nothing sweeter. Sometimes I forget how good it is, how good Jesus is, but oh, oh, oh - !!!

On the way home James asked me if I thought Hope was the sort of church that an "outsider" could come to and feel welcome. I got a little bit upset because WHO CARES WHAT THE OUTSIDERS WOULD THINK. WHAT WOULD JESUS THINK. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT JESUS NOT ABOUT YOU OR ANYONE ELSE!

Sometimes when people say something that isn't about Jesus I want to say "why're you changing the subject??" even if what they said is the first thing of the conversation.

Sounds psycho!

I'm a psycho for Jesus!

Tonight there's a church meeting I really want to go to, but I have to work at Celerybag instead. Yesterday I felt stressed about it. Now I feel peace. Can't go nowhere widout God bein' with me. I hope I can be more centered this week and not let my desires take the f over again.

Lovelove!

Oh! Precious is the flow

That makes me white as snow

No other fount I know

Nothing but the blood of Jesus

ILY God

2011-08-26T23:57:00.002-07:00

First.

Tonight I went to the "SNAP!" 90's dance par-tay at Holocene. By my solo. It was fun - not totally satisfying, but fun. I hate it when dancing has to become 50% (or more) "trying to avoid letting someone else dance with you". I would do it again, though. Devnitly.

Frust.

I am feeling. FEELING. So many feelings in my body it seems over capacity lately. My thought life for the past week has been something like: What am I going to do? God will provide. What should I do? God will provide. How am I going to know what to do? God will provide. Why do I feel this way when I know it won't get me anywhere? God will provide.

I am also struggling with feelings of trying to get what I want... which, to be honest, I don't even know what that is exactly, but it seems to involve doing almost no labor of any sort and watching a lot of Jersey Shore.

Life feels like a waiting room right now. I'm in a blank white room with a bunch of other people all sitting in those generic blue chairs... waiting, waiting. And I'm reading a lot of... boring magazines from 1996. And I don't even know why I'm there or what I'm waiting for. Anticipating the unknown and hating not knowing how long I'll have to wait.

Mind numbing.

Oh Lord, please help me to be patient.

Grrrs In They Summa Clo'

2011-08-25T21:24:00.004-07:00

Quotes.

1. "It's nice to see a young girl who doesn't think her face is a... ...canvas."

From the third customer I ever hep'd at Walg... Celerystore. To me, this is a typical thing for a man to say when he's so absorbed in himself that his compliments are more about what he thinks people should do and how he thinks people should act than they are about the person he's complimenting. Also like, guess what sir? I'm wearing tons of makeup (not tons tons, but... I think I use about 5 products and about 2 "tools")! DUH! I'm just a minimalist painter.

N'actually now that I think about it - that's the second time this week someone has told me in some way or whatever that I look like I'm not wearing any makeup. Maybe I should cut this dude some slack. Maybe people have never seen such a big blank face before.

2. "Now WHERE am I going to find gummi bears for my nephew's party this afternoon???"

An exasperated woman approaches the candy aisle and sighs, then asks the above question out loud. This scene was in an educational orientation video that I had to watch today. I was alone while I watched it, and it made me laugh loudly. Something about the fact that she a) gave so much information about what she was looking for, and why, and b) came all the way to the candy aisle and THEN has this weird onset of helplessness. If you can find the candy aisle, you can find the gummi bears. I don't know. It's so absurd. It got even better when the clerk in the video showed her and she said "OH, THANK YOU!" and took only a single small bag. Nephew: party of one. Or more likely: there is no nephew.

3. "Have you ever peed off your bicycle while you were riding it?"

I heard a young man's voice say this down in the street outside my window. I assume his companion said no because then he said "me neither, but I've always wanted to try."

4. "Kid's rubber ball smacks / Off the gutter 'neath the lamp light"

Bruce Springsteen's Girls In Their Summer Clothes. This song makes me smile. I think it's one of my theme songs.

----------

Oh, my. The August weather is pretty terrible. I can't handle the humidity. Saying that, I feel guilty because this summer we've had about 4 hot days. Not really "our fair share" or anything. Fall's gonna be so good, though. I am looking forward to everything about it except turning 26. MAN, WHO TURNS 26 ANYWAY??? But I like the idea of: Halloweens. Nanowrimo. Wearin' those tights n' bewts. Eatin' those gourds. Er...

Lurvelurve.

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeelyfur

2011-08-23T15:00:00.002-07:00

All is delightful now that I have acquired a new body pillow for an impressive total of two body pillows. This is an all time high for me personally. I think my ultimate goal is three. I got my first (still totally functional/functioning) in 200...5-9? I am wondering... do I have to wait that long (2-6 years) for the next? Won't it be time to retire #1? I sense activities in this area of life picking up speed.

JUST FOUND A FRUIT BY THE FOOT IN MY BAG. Aaahhh....!!

I have been busy, am remaining busy. Yesterday I went to my Walgreens and "accepted their offer". Then I asked about the dress code (because I am secretly really excited about dress codes) and got a really vague answer. I left Walgreens (hereafter referred to as Celerymart*) (*so that I can write about it w/o getting the fire) and went to take my "piss test". I left that place and went to Target to buy a blue polo shirt and receive extremely bad customer service from a grandma-aged employee. I had a feeling that calling her out on it would make me feel really [better than her] good. But/So I didn't.

Last night at Celeryfood (my other job) WE WERE SO BUSY. I might as well have been taking the dishes out of the dishwasher and immediately putting them back in, they were returning to the dish pit so fast. At the end of the night everyone was exhausted. I went to a bit of a party (but not really) with Joel, and then came home and sleeeeeppp...

This morning I got up, tried to call this lady Becky about a possible other job but she didn't answer. Then I took a shower (we have a shower curtain now, no more daily baths I guess) and went grocery shopping. I bought many fruits and vegetables, but also ketchup and mayonnaise. I came home and made myself a reuben sans beef. It was just bread and "russian dressing" [ketchup+mayo+mustarrr] and swiss chee and SAUERKRAUT. It was perfect and delicious, but now I know what the beef in a reuben is for: structural integrity. Well, nuts to that!

After I ate, I went to the library. I have two more books by Jesse Ball, a book called There Is No Year by Blake Butler, and a book called Vacation by Deb Olin Unferth. I am still reading the history of the ALA. History is sometimes hard to take because it's just old reality. I've got plenty of fresh fresh right here.

Uh, after the library! I walked home, didn't really see anything (too tired to look, today) and got out my sewing ma-shee and tailored the blue polo shirt that I bought yesterday. It now fits perfectly, except maybe in the arms, which are very very tight. I forgot about my huge muscles! Tomorrow will be my first day of work at Celerymart. The reason that I'm excited about it is that everyone I have met at the store so far seems so incredibly nice!

Now I am laying over my new body pillow and typing this and wishing I felt energetic enough to read. I don't. Soon I will go to work. I hope it's a ghost town and we get to walk out at close. Yee-ah rite. Dream on grr.

Lovelove!

Theens B Hab'nin

2011-08-21T10:24:00.002-07:00

It is the morning of 21 August 2011. Theens thay b hab'nin:

1. I am reading a book about the history of the ALA (Ameri... Libr... Assoc...). It's actually pretty interesting. I see it sort of as a mystery story, actually - and the mystery is: why did this guy write a book about the history of the ALA if he hates it so much? So far all I've learned is that white, upper-class, East-coast men were the predominant fraction of ALA founding members. If my memory of early American history serves, THERE WERE NO OTHER SORTS OF PEOPLE AROUND TO BE INVOLVED. (Ah ha ha ha)

2. -del'ted-

3. UHHHH... Lindsay said to wake her up at 10:30 (I've been up since 9). It's 10:35. Am I going to wake her up? How do you wake a sleeping adult up? "Hello?" - is that good? "WAKE UP!" - ??? "Excuse me.." - ha ha ha ha ha.

4. I think it's funny that L's entire family has been calling me "Keeks" all weekend. Maybe I should just go with that.

5. I'm embarrassed to admit this... but... I'll just say it! I got a job at... Waaaaaaaalgreeeeeeeens. Ha ha ha. The story of how I got this job is sort of long and uninteresting, but basically there is a manager at this specific store who would basically do anything to hire me, including accommodating my schedule but still meeting my demand for full-time status. It got the point where I couldn't say no, even though, to be honest, I wanted to pretty badly. I am getting so used to having 4-day weekends and not having to be up before 10. Now... now, I don't even know. I'm not quitting my dishwashing job, so I'll be working 50 hours a week, probably at least 6 days a week... this will last until I start classes, and then I'll think it over again. The good thing is, I'll have some dental insurance soon and can get all my teeves pull'd. Is my life glam, or... what?!

6. SOMEONE'S PHONE JUST VIB'D BUT L DIDN'T WAKE UP. WAAAKE UPPPPP!!!!

YES

2011-08-19T18:45:00.002-07:00

At Lindsay's house at the coast, drinking the wine, watching the WWE. Life is good!!!!!!!!!!

Google App Abuse

2011-08-14T23:53:00.002-07:00

Unbreakable

2011-08-13T23:08:00.003-07:00

I love him

And I don't care what nobody says

I was dance-vibing to "Undivided" by Blush (ft. Snoop Dogg) and I was thinking about those lyrics specifically and I was feeling very suddenly worshipful. I thought maybe I would write a little bit about God to make up for all the writing I've done about the GRE and about myself. Just some things I've been thinking lately:

1. I haven't been reading the Bible very much. This last week was pretty distracting in general. It seems really important to read the Bible, though. It's my mirror. And I know better than anyone how important it is to look into mirrors and other reflective surfaces as often as possible. It's funny that looking in a real mirror is less accurate than looking into the Bible. Also you can see other people via the Bible than you can via looking at them directly. By their faces you might not love them.

2. I'm a huge hypocrite because I am constantly wishing, SO HARD, that people would talk to me more more more about Jesus. I want those conversations so badly. But then sometimes when people do talk about him, it sounds so fake and like... are we even talking about the same person? Like, to some people Jesus is this sort of mystical being who literally whispers things to them in the night or whatever. And to some people Jesus is like, really political, or really hard core. To a LOT of people he seems very distant and when they talk about him it's almost like they don't think he can hear them - not in a bad way, but just not in a "this is present, this is real now" way. Or like speculating like he's some sort of myth. Or like there's a gap in information. I don't know.

3. I'm an even bigger hypocrite than that, though - Joel called me the other day "a closet Christian". I said - WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'CLOSET'????? and he said that well, I just don't like, talk about it to other people and it doesn't seem to have very much to do with my life. Granted, some of that has to do with Joel's gross misconceptions of what it means to be a Christian in the first place... but still. It was like a dagger in the heart when he said that. I felt really, really terrible. Because it wasn't just like he was saying it, it was like Jesus was asking me if I thought it might be a little bit true, and I admitted yes. Pretty awful.

4. Tonight James and Jon L. and I watched a couple episodes of Game of Thrones, some HBO pantajee show that they like. It was really sexy and violent and it was actually way too much for me - but then there was one part where a swordsmanship instructor asks his student "do you pray to the gods" and she says something like "every day, to the old and the new" and then he says "there is only ONE god..." and for a second I had a hopeful feeling like maybe he meant Jesus and the whole show would be redeemed. But then of course he said it was "death" or whatever, to make some point about fighting. What a terrible world to live in, without Jesus. How could you ever, ever feel loved enough? Safe enough? Good enough?

5. Lovelove.

GRE down.

2011-08-12T15:54:00.002-07:00

This morning: GRE.

It was really overcast outside, and pretty cool. Beach weather. Early morning weather. I was suddenly just overcome with joy, and I thanked God for my perfect life. Perfect because of Jesus. I didn't worry about the test, I just smiled. They played Martin Solveig's "Hello" on the radio so I turned it up really loud and put my windows down to share the love.

At 11:30, I took the GRE. And I did a pretty good job!! Better than on the SAT even. Most of my math was a mix of just guessing, and drawing pictures of myself being frustrated on the provided scratch paper and then just guessing. That's sort of a lie, but it did happen at least twice so not completely. The testing center itself was really weird. It sort of reminded me of getting my car back from the towing company. A lonely, dilapidated place full of overweight women. Nothing about it said "I'm successful" or "Grad School" or "well learned". Total DMV vibe.

The woman gave me a pair of noise-cancelling headphones. I put them on for a second but they were way way way way too tight for my big head. (More like thought-cancelling!)

After, I went to the Goodwill and bought a dress that I am currently wearing/loving. I'll wear it tomorrow and likely on Sunday to church as well.

----

Then (after I wrote that, before writing this) I went to the library and got one book, one CD, one DVD. Balance.

My reward for defeating the GRE was a foot-long veggie sub from Subway. It's kind of gross that I could fit that entire sandwich into my body. I wish it hadn't happened. SOME REWARD!

Then (just now) I danced in my room until I got really sweaty. I invented a new dance move called "the polar bear". It's basically just doing the thing I saw the demented female polar bear at the Oregon Zoo do - you just sway your shoulders/head from side to side (pretty far, but not enough to fall over) and step back with the opposite side's foot. "The reverse polar bear" is when you do it walking forward. Maybe I should make an instructional video.

WOAH. WAIT. I just did some internet research and it turns out polar bears do that "dance" when they want to mate. HA HA HA! She wasn't demented after all. Just tryna get some from the other polar bear. What a good move!

Anything else? Nope, not really. Goodnight!

Task List

2011-08-11T22:37:00.003-07:00

- Write on my novel.

Didn't do this. Well, sort of I did in my head while I walked to to grocery store [the first time]. It keeps changing and yet almost none of it is written down. I'ma work on this. NANOWRIMO is coming soon, right? Thinking of that just makes me Seoul-Sick. Alex-Sick too. I miss that Nashville pedant. We met because of Nano. Nano gives and the Lord takes away. Sigh-a!

- Go to the library.

Didn't do this either.

- Gather ingredients for the lemonade fast that I'm starting on Monday.

Didn du. But I gathered ingredients for making pizza, which James and Jon and I ate while we watched Farscape which was the best.

- Gather candy for Sunday night.

Ha ha, this was a joke! And like I said before, I almost bought twizzlies but didn't because.

- Find an outfit that's punk rock enough for tonight.

Sort of did this. I decided to wear my [REAL] Dennis uniform (size 16 for little girls - a jumper). And I did. The show was great and Joel said "HA HA HA" when he saw me wearing high heels. Then while they were playing the room got really warm and I felt big drops of sweat rolling down my back. I forgot that Dennis uniforms don't breathe.

- Call Mabe.

Totally did this. I was talking to Mabe while James was standing near to me and talking on his phone to Dabe, and I could hear Dabe through my phone so I was hearing all of both conversations.

- Study math.

A woman saw me studying in the coffee shop and said that the GRE was really hard - that she botched her first try and is taking it again soon. I said "oh no, you know, I'm really worried about my lack of math skills..." and she said "OH - the math was the easy part!" so I don't know if I should feel relieved or EXTRA screwed. Guess we'll see tomorrow. I'm getting up at 7:30 so I won't be late (it's at 12:30). Please Lord, be with me during the test and help me to remember what little I've tried to learn these past few days. Guide my hand when I have to resort to making educated guesses. I love you and I know you love me and if I have to take it again that's ok. But not ideal.

------

Note - On the first page of the GRE study guide I got at the libe, someone wrote (in pencil): Postcards / Trailer / Book. I dunno if it's a list? Or one thing?